The Illusion of Living vs. Performing
- Most people do not know the difference between living a life and performing one until something forces that distinction, and many individuals show up, deliver, and manage their responsibilities without questioning their actions, providing them with a sense of stability 10s.
- The evaluation process in certain professions, such as teaching, can feel like a performance, where effectiveness and pay are determined by checking the right boxes on the right day for the right evaluator, which can be frustrating, especially when someone with less proximity to the day-to-day work is making the evaluations 2m6s.
- A significant life event, such as the stillbirth of a child, can make it impossible to continue pretending and tolerating certain situations, as it was the case when Aliyah Denise was stillborn, and her mother was denied paid family leave despite being approved for it months earlier 4m42s.
- The denial of paid family leave by the school district was a choice, as the paid family leave law did not clearly include or exclude someone in this position, and other agencies in the city had made the humane decision to allow this leave after a stillbirth 6m15s.
The Impact of Tragedy on Personal and Professional Life
- The experience of stillbirth and the subsequent denial of paid family leave made it clear that the system did not see the mother as a person, but rather as a disposable employee, leading to a change in tolerance and the decision to leave the classroom 8m30s.
- The realization that one's tolerance has changed can come from a tragedy, a betrayal, or a slow accumulation of things that no longer sit right, and it is this clarity that leads to change, not the desire to change itself 10m45s.
- Clarity rarely arrives quietly, and once it is achieved, it is impossible to go back to tolerating what was previously acceptable, leading to a transformation in one's life and actions 12m10s.
The Breaking Point and Clarity
- The breaking point in life is not the tragedy or grief itself, but the moment when one can no longer pretend, and this moment can be a turning point where grief can either shrink or sharpen a person's life 10s.
- When experiencing a loss, such as a stillbirth, life can seem to narrow, and grief can become a part of everything, but it is possible to allow grief to deepen one's life rather than letting it shrink it 42s.
Advocacy and the Birth of a Movement
- After the stillbirth of Aliyah, a particularly heated exchange with HR led to a decision to post a picture of Aliyah on social media, which went viral and led to hundreds of messages from people sharing similar stories of invalidation and silence from their employers 2m6s.
- This experience led to the creation of Aliyah in Action, a nonprofit organization that supports families who experience baby loss, and partners with hospitals and maternal health organizations to provide bereavement support kits and grief resources 2m6s.
- The organization has supported thousands of families and has advocated for paid family leave laws, resulting in DC amending its paid leave policy to include stillbirth families 4m30s.
Universal Lessons from Grief and Advocacy
- The journey of grief and advocacy has led to the realization that people often tolerate things for too long before something breaks or becomes disrupted, and that the moment when something becomes intolerable is universal, giving individuals a choice to either shrink themselves or take action 6m40s.
- The importance of creating stronger frameworks and support systems for families who experience baby loss has become a key focus, as these families often interact with various systems that can fail them, and it is essential to do better for these families 8m20s.
Clarity, Responsibility, and Transformation
- Ultimately, the experience has taught the importance of choosing what comes next after a tragedy, and being grateful for the clarity that can come from it, leading to a life of purpose and meaning 10m0s.
- Clarity in life does not always arrive quietly, and sometimes significant events or realizations can force individuals to re-evaluate their circumstances and make a choice to take action, which then becomes a new responsibility 0s.
- When individuals recognize what they can no longer tolerate, they gain awareness of the issue and also develop a new sense of responsibility to themselves and possibly to others 10s.
- It is essential for individuals to identify what they are currently tolerating in life that clarity is trying to expose to them, and consider how stopping the negotiation with these tolerations could lead to changes in all areas of their life 42s.
