How To Stop Being Such A People Pleaser - Nick Pollard

The Trap of People-Pleasing 0s

• People pleasing is a trap for many individuals due to the environment created by social media, where everyone compares themselves to others who seem insurmountable, rather than focusing on their internal locus of control 14s.
• This constant comparison can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and the desire to be better, but it's essential to recognize that one can be happy with their current situation while still striving for improvement 1m0s.
• A key issue with people pleasing is that it's often about managing optics and prioritizing others' needs over one's own, rather than focusing on personal growth and self-improvement 1m36s.
• People pleasing can stem from an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and a deep-seated feeling of not being enough, which can be challenging to overcome 2m5s.
• This sense of inadequacy can be fueled by various factors, including inferiority and superiority complexes, as well as impulse control issues 2m17s.
• Childhood experiences, such as having one overly involved parent and one who was not, can contribute to people-pleasing tendencies, as individuals may try to gain acceptance and love by making others happy or keeping the peace 2m42s.
• People pleasing can manifest in different ways, including trying to gain acceptance, being invisible, or constantly seeking to keep others calm, and it's essential to recognize these patterns to break free from them 3m6s.
• Many individuals who struggle with people pleasing share common childhood experiences, such as having one parent who made them the center of attention, leading to an excessive need for validation and approval 3m36s.
• People pleasing often originates from childhood, where individuals learn to prioritize others' needs to avoid abandonment and ensure their own needs are met, a phenomenon referred to as "transference." 3m41s
• This childhood coping strategy can persist into adulthood, ultimately becoming detrimental to one's well-being and relationships. 4m2s
• Common behaviors exhibited by people pleasers include dishonesty, such as lying, saying yes when they mean no, and committing to things they don't want to do. 4m28s
• People pleasers often lack free time, have a constantly full calendar, and may experience financial difficulties due to prioritizing others' needs over their own. 5m16s
• Prioritizing others' needs above one's own can be virtuous in moderation but can lead to negative consequences, such as feeling broke, alone, and miserable, when taken to an extreme. 5m32s
• People pleasers often struggle to form genuine, connected relationships, as their behavior can be seen as insincere or masking their true selves. 6m10s
• The line between virtuous behavior and people pleasing is crossed when actions are compelled rather than chosen, stripping them of their inherent virtue. 7m20s
• A quote by Joe Hudson states that if someone can't trust your "no," they can't trust your "yes," highlighting the importance of setting boundaries and being honest about one's needs 7m33s.
• People pleasing tendencies often involve prioritizing others' needs over one's own, avoiding discomfort, and taking responsibility for others' emotional states 8m7s.
• This behavior can lead to unnecessary suffering and can be challenging to recognize, as it may be deeply ingrained 8m31s.
• The value of saying "no" is crucial, as it allows individuals to set boundaries and prioritize their own needs 9m2s.
• Many people with people-pleasing tendencies are not afraid to say "no" but are afraid of not saying "yes," as it can provide a sense of validation and dopamine rush 9m11s.
• A suggested exercise to help overcome people-pleasing tendencies is to spend seven days saying "no" to everything, with the option to change one's mind after 90 seconds 9m40s.
• This exercise can help individuals become more comfortable with saying "no" and re-evaluate their priorities 10m21s.
• It's essential to distinguish between being agreeable and being a people pleaser, as they are not the same thing 10m39s.
• By setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own needs, individuals can free up time and energy to focus on things they truly want to do 10m51s.
• To stop being a people pleaser, it is suggested to change one's default answer from "yes" to "no" 10m58s.
• This change in default answer becomes a habit that can be developed over time, which is why it is recommended to play this new game for only seven days 11m5s.
• The idea of repetition being key to developing a new habit is attributed to James Clear, emphasizing that it's not about the duration of practice but rather the number of repetitions 11m8s.
• The goal is to repeat the new action of saying "no" as the default answer hundreds of times in a week to make it a habit 11m13s.

Learning to Be Honest With Yourself 11m24s

• People pleasing is associated with inauthenticity and a lack of truthfulness, as it often involves saying something to avoid upsetting others rather than expressing genuine beliefs or feelings 11m26s.
• This behavior can be uncomfortable and may stem from a desire to be kind, but it can also be seen as a lie, as it does not come from a place of genuine care or a desire to speak one's truth 12m8s.
• A person who is a people pleaser may struggle with self-identity and finding themselves, as they often prioritize others' needs over their own 13m39s.
• One way to address this issue is through play and self-invention, as these activities allow individuals to discover their boundaries, likes, and dislikes, and to learn and grow 14m52s.
• Play is not just about having fun, but also about learning and discovering oneself, and it is an essential part of childhood development that can be continued into adulthood 14m54s.
• By engaging in playful activities, individuals can invent new versions of themselves and find more joy in life, rather than trying to find a fixed sense of self 13m50s.
• The process of self-invention through play can help people pleasers to develop a stronger sense of self-identity and to become more authentic and truthful in their interactions with others 14m1s.
• People's definitions of self are formed through a process of self-invention, which often begins in childhood and may be lost in adulthood due to a lack of play and exploration 15m18s.
• Adults often lose contact with their core identity and struggle to reinvent themselves, leading to confusion about their sense of self 15m32s.
• Finding a balance between joy and meaning is crucial, and people can be broadly categorized into two groups: those who prioritize fun and those who are more serious and earnest, like David Goggins 15m53s.
• Those who are too focused on effort and rigor may end up delaying gratification to an extreme, resulting in no gratification and forgetting the reasons behind their actions 16m21s.
• A sense of joy and play is essential, and people who are too rigid and brittle may struggle to be flexible and take on new adventures 16m44s.
• Overplanning and a need for control can also prevent people from experiencing joy and play, as they may feel the need to work twice as hard before taking time off 17m2s.
• The lack of play and difficulty in finding joy can be a significant issue for many people, and recognizing this problem is the first step towards making a change 17m16s.

Why People-Pleasers Struggle to Find Joy 17m18s

• People-pleasers often struggle to find joy in life due to their tendency to prioritize others' needs over their own, which can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy 17m18s.
• This struggle stems from a deep-seated belief that they are not good enough, which is often rooted in shame and can be toxic 18m5s.
• People-pleasers may mirror addictive behaviors, as they try to bury their feelings of inadequacy by constantly seeking validation from others 17m49s.
• This can lead to a vicious cycle where they feel the need to constantly prove themselves, making it difficult to find joy and happiness 18m17s.
• One of the challenges people-pleasers face is giving to themselves before giving to others, which can make it hard to experience joy and celebration 18m41s.
• A personal anecdote illustrates this struggle, where the individual had difficulty buying a TV for themselves despite having the means, due to feeling that it didn't serve the purpose of making others happy 19m22s.
• This experience led to the realization that people-pleasers often have a hard time experiencing joy, celebrating, asking for what they need, and receiving it 20m30s.
• The costs of being a people-pleaser include de-prioritizing one's own physical well-being, which can lead to neglect of basic needs such as cooking and exercise 21m18s.
• Prioritizing physical well-being, such as getting in shape, can be a crucial step in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and improving overall well-being 21m32s.

The Cost of Being a People-Pleaser 22m2s

• People pleasing can negatively impact one's health, as seen in the example of not taking care of oneself by skipping activities such as yoga, stretching, and meditation 22m3s.
• It can also affect emotional well-being, causing feelings of inadequacy and being "behind the eightball" in life, where one feels like they can never catch up to others 22m21s.
• This mindset can lead to financial problems, as people pleasers may give away money to others, causing their bank account to dwindle 23m2s.
• The long-term implications of people pleasing can be severe, potentially leading to burnout, with the average people pleaser burning out at around 38 years old 23m35s.
• Entrepreneurs are often prone to people pleasing, especially in the first three years of business, as they try to make money and may neglect setting boundaries 23m55s.
• People with high levels of success as people pleasers often experience burnout and growing misery, despite increasing income 24m11s.
• The problem of people pleasing can start small but become explosive over time, leading to individuals with no boundaries, a flawed self-image, and depression 24m41s.
• Overcoming people pleasing requires recognizing that the opposite is not being an "asshole," but rather finding a balance and understanding that it's possible to choose not to engage in people pleasing behaviors 25m15s.
• Distinguishing between being considerate and sacrificing one's identity to please others can be challenging, but it may be possible by paying attention to the emotions behind one's actions, such as feeling a sense of peace when giving from a place of love 26m18s.

When Does Being Considerate Go Too Far? 26m55s

• Generosity is a positive trait, but it can sometimes be used as a means to people-please, and it's essential to recognize when being considerate goes too far 26m55s.
• When someone is people-pleasing, there's often something underlying, like resentment, which can be felt in the body, and it's crucial to acknowledge and correct this feeling 27m30s.
• Resentment can manifest physically, such as in the solar plexus, and it's essential to recognize this sensation and re-evaluate one's actions 27m45s.
• To determine if someone is people-pleasing, it's helpful to put space between the decision to give and the action, allowing time to reflect on the motivations behind the decision 28m0s.
• When considering giving to someone, especially someone you love, it's essential to take time to ask yourself if the action is genuinely generous and kind or if it's motivated by a need for validation 28m22s.
• The difference in how men and women show up with their people-pleasing nature is not drastically different, but women tend to be more passive-aggressive in their people-pleasing behavior 29m12s.
• People-pleasers often exhibit underlying emotions like anger, dishonesty, and aggression or passive-aggression, regardless of their gender 29m20s.

How Men & Women People-Please 29m34s

• People pleasing can manifest differently in men and women, with women often externalizing the problem and men internalizing it, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame 29m35s.
• Men are often socialized to be rigid, stoic, and self-sufficient, which can make it difficult for them to express emotions or be vulnerable, leading to additional levels of shame around being pliable 30m26s.
• The societal expectation of men to be assertive and disagreeable can contribute to the shame men feel around being people pleasers 30m48s.
• The concept of masculinity has been redefined as a toxic trait, leaving men feeling like they are either useless or toxic if they don't conform to traditional masculine norms 32m39s.
• Many male people pleasers, often referred to as "nice guys," were raised in predominantly female environments or experienced abuse, leading to a lack of healthy male role models and a struggle with assertiveness 33m15s.
• Dr. Robert Glover's work on the "nice guy" syndrome is relevant to understanding the male version of people pleasing, and it's essential to help these individuals recognize that their behavior is okay and that they deserve to be valued and respected 33m3s.
• A person spent their entire life being ashamed of who they were as a man, feeling they weren't good enough, and trying to climb a ladder to please others, resulting in resentment, anger, and addiction 33m51s.
• Traditional psychology may not be well-suited for men, as they often don't need to be told they're okay or cry on someone's shoulder, but rather need help finding purpose and doing something else 34m34s.
• There's a delicate balance between wanting men to be strong and open up, while also recognizing their suffering without patronizing or treating them with kid gloves 34m57s.
• Men often fear being shunned by society, their partner, or friends if they open up, leading them to swallow their emotions, which can be unhealthy from a psychological standpoint 35m27s.
• To truly experience human emotions, men need to concede the entire spectrum of emotions, but this can make them feel like they're at the mercy of their emotions and lack control 35m52s.
• It's a complex issue to unpack, but exploring these ideas can help lay out a path for men to think about their emotions and for women to understand how to show up with the men in their lives 36m10s.
• Men may not feel comfortable sharing their emotions with women, and women may not be equipped to handle male emotions, unless exceptionally well-trained 36m42s.
• One way to identify if someone is a people pleaser is to count how many close friends they have, as people pleasers often lack meaningful relationships 37m6s.
• People pleasers often struggle to connect with others of the same sex, with women feeling safer with men and men feeling safer with women when they're in a people-pleasing mindset, although the reason behind this is unclear 37m12s.
• Despite being a common pattern, it's difficult to understand why people struggle to advocate for their own needs, as from an evolutionary psychology perspective, advocating for one's own needs should be a priority 38m13s.
• One possible reason for this difficulty is the fear of rejection, but for people pleasers, rejection can feel like abandonment, making it even harder for them to express their needs and desires 39m37s.
• To overcome this, it's essential to stop worrying about rejection and instead focus on asking for what you need, and if that's not possible, finding ways to give it to yourself 39m21s.
• People pleasers often struggle to form meaningful friendships with others of the same sex, with many clients lacking close relationships with people of the same sex 37m51s.
• The pattern of people pleasing can be challenging to break, but healing and growth can occur when individuals learn to prioritize their own needs and stop relying on others for validation 39m15s.

Why People Struggle to Advocate for Their Needs 40m2s

• The biggest fear people have when setting boundaries is that others will be mad at them or hate them, stemming from a deep-seated desire for love and acceptance, often rooted in childhood experiences 40m3s.
• This fear can be a significant challenge to self-advocacy, as it requires expressing one's needs and potentially facing rejection or conflict, which can be daunting for those who have learned to prioritize others' needs over their own 40m41s.
• People-pleasing patterns can be perpetuated by a lack of experience in advocating for oneself, often due to growing up in households where communication was not transparent or open, leading to difficulty in expressing one's needs and desires 41m26s.
• Those who people-please may eventually lose touch with their own opinions, beliefs, and desires, making it challenging to advocate for themselves and prioritize their needs 42m20s.
• Agreeableness and people-pleasing are distinct, with agreeableness being a willingness to go along with others' suggestions, whereas people-pleasing is driven by a fear of conflict or rejection, leading to a loss of personal identity and autonomy 42m46s.
• People-pleasing can be particularly problematic in professional settings, such as corporate environments, where it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and difficulty in expressing one's opinions or needs 43m43s.
• The inability to express one's opinions or needs can be painful and lead to feelings of disempowerment, highlighting the importance of self-advocacy and prioritizing one's own needs 43m40s.
• People pleasing can lead to burnout and a loss of self-image, as individuals prioritize others' opinions over their own, causing them to lose touch with their interests and opinions 43m59s.
• To overcome people pleasing, it's essential to identify and understand one's own desires and opinions, which can be achieved through journaling and exploring different interests 44m42s.
• A significant challenge in overcoming people pleasing is realizing that one's successes and positive reinforcement from others may not be genuine, as they may be based on a persona or role rather than the individual's true self 46m1s.
• Feeling disconnected from one's successes is a common experience for people pleasers, as they may attribute their accomplishments to luck or external factors rather than their own abilities 46m20s.
• People pleasers often struggle to acknowledge their own talents and efforts, instead attributing their successes to luck or chance, as seen in the example of a CEO who downplays their 25 years of hard work and talent 47m9s.
• Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial in overcoming people pleasing and developing a stronger sense of self and self-worth 45m35s.
• People pleasing is a complex trait that often stems from a deep thinker who cares about others, has empathy, and social agility, which can be useful and powerful when deployed correctly 48m26s.
• The quote by Thomas Soul, "there are no Solutions only tradeoffs," suggests that people may have to make difficult choices and accept that they cannot have everything they want without some negative consequences 48m59s.
• People pleasing can be a pathological trait, but it also encompasses positive qualities such as kindness, generosity, and a loving nature, which do not have to be lost in order to overcome the negative aspects 49m54s.
• It is possible to transcend and alchemize the more pathological parts of people pleasing, leaving the individual with the things they care most about and love most in themselves 49m31s.
• The idea that people pleasing and narcissism may be on the same spectrum is an interesting concept, but it is essential to remember that the beautiful parts of a person do not have to die for the toxic parts to go away 49m46s.
• Overcoming people pleasing involves solving individual problems through a long enough timeline, allowing the person to keep the positive qualities they love about themselves without having to change who they are fundamentally 50m59s.
• Self-deprecation and self-deprivation are aspects of people pleasing that can be overcome by looking at oneself as having a set of problems to be solved, rather than being a problem in itself 50m49s.
• The process of overcoming people pleasing is not about turning into a different person, but rather about making adjustments and changes to one's behavior and mindset 51m7s.
• The concept of humans as servo mechanisms, guided by aiming away from what is not desired, is discussed, and it is suggested that people can course correct their way to a happy life by taking care of themselves and making positive changes 51m36s.
• The first thing to work on with clients is getting them to the gym to release anger, as people pleasers are often historically angry and need to address this emotion to improve their lives 52m7s.
• Building on physical practices, such as diet and sleep training, the focus shifts to psychological reframing and strategies for rehabilitation 52m37s.
• The first step in rehabilitation is to learn to sit with and acknowledge emotions, recognizing that they are not facts but rather a product of past experiences 53m23s.
• Once emotions are acknowledged, the next step is to question their meaning and the story behind them, and to challenge these narratives by asking if they are real and where they come from 53m42s.
• It is suggested that people tend to judge their negative emotions, but that emotions are not inherently positive or negative, and that getting curious about these emotions can be a powerful tool for growth 54m17s.
• The importance of self-reflection and self-inquiry is emphasized, encouraging individuals to explore their emotions and thoughts in a non-judgmental way 54m5s.
• The concept of Maxwell Maltz's book "Psycho-Cybernetics" is mentioned as an early influence on the idea of humans as servo mechanisms 51m22s.
• When dealing with feelings of excitement, fear, or anxiety, it's essential to identify the source of these emotions and understand where they come from 54m50s.
• People often struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, especially when faced with new or challenging situations, such as appearing on a large show like Chris's show 55m1s.
• It's common for individuals to feel like they're not ready or qualified for certain opportunities, and this mindset can be a significant obstacle to overcome 55m4s.
• To overcome these feelings, it's crucial to learn to sit in the darkness and confront one's emotions, rather than trying to avoid or suppress them 55m17s.
• People pleasing often develops in response to external factors, such as the influence of others, and it's rare for someone to become a people pleaser in isolation 55m25s.
• Surrounding oneself with others who are dealing with similar issues can be incredibly helpful and make the process of overcoming people pleasing more enjoyable 55m28s.

First Steps to Correcting People-Pleasing 55m37s

• People pleasers often forget their unique qualities and quirks, and instead, try to fit into societal norms, hiding their true selves 55m38s.
• The root cause of people pleasing is often the feeling of insufficiency and the fear of not being enough, which can be triggered by emotions and past experiences 56m7s.
• To overcome people pleasing, it's essential to learn to sit with and recognize these emotions, rather than trying to suppress them 56m3s.
• When individuals feel like they're not enough, they may try to seek validation from others, which can lead to people pleasing behaviors 56m19s.
• A helpful approach to managing these feelings is to become curious about when they arise and explore the underlying beliefs and thoughts that drive them 57m5s.
• Asking oneself questions like "What do I want to believe about this?" and "What do I want to do?" can help shift one's perspective and build confidence 58m35s.
• It's also important to remind oneself that it's okay not to be enough and that one's worth is not defined by external validation 58m40s.
• By acknowledging and working through these emotions and beliefs, individuals can break free from people pleasing patterns and develop a more authentic sense of self 55m54s.
• To overcome anxiety and self-doubt, it's essential to listen to your brain and acknowledge your feelings, allowing yourself to relax and have fun, as advised by Dr. Glover, who suggested learning to laugh, making mistakes, and enjoying yourself 59m15s.
• Reaching out to a support team or talking through your feelings can help navigate challenging situations and "danger zones" 59m43s.
• When faced with self-doubt, asking four key questions can help: what am I believing, how am I reinforcing this belief system, what would I prefer to believe, and what do I need to do to reinforce this new belief system 59m57s.
• The first question, "what am I believing," often reveals a deep-seated fear of not being enough, which can manifest in various forms, such as feeling not smart enough or not having attended a prestigious university 1h0m15s.
• Beliefs must be reinforced by someone in a position of authority, and individuals have the power to reinforce their own beliefs, making them the authority in their own lives 1h0m42s.
• The second question, "how am I reinforcing this belief system," helps identify actions or inactions that contribute to feelings of inadequacy 1h0m49s.
• The third question, "what would I prefer to believe," allows individuals to consider alternative, more positive beliefs, such as feeling capable and confident 1h1m10s.
• The fourth question, "what do I need to do to reinforce this new belief system," often requires the opposite action of what was identified in the second question 1h1m44s.
• Setting boundaries is crucial, and understanding the importance of boundaries is essential for personal growth and development 1h2m22s.
• The first misconception about boundaries is that they are about other people, when in fact, boundaries are about how one shows up in the world and are delineators for what one accepts and doesn't accept, with nothing to do with anyone else 1h2m39s.
• Boundaries are based on one's value systems, and enforcing a boundary means communicating one's values and taking action when those values are not respected, such as leaving a situation where someone is being unkind 1h3m1s.
• Boundaries are not a rule book, but rather a way to define oneself in equality, making one's needs equal to everyone else's, and then making decisions based on that data 1h3m47s.
• Boundaries are not about putting oneself first or being selfish, but rather about recognizing that one's needs are as important as everyone else's 1h3m50s.
• An example of a boundary is not being in charge of other adults' decisions, such as whether or not they choose to drink, and communicating that clearly to others 1h4m33s.
• Boundaries can be applied in various situations, including at work, and are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and prioritizing one's own needs 1h5m12s.

Biggest Misconceptions About Boundaries 1h5m21s

• When communicating boundaries, it's essential to be direct and clear, using phrases like "I'm not going to do that" or "I have a boundary around personal time with my family," to convey your message effectively 1h5m21s.
• Two common misconceptions about setting boundaries are that they are a list of rules for others and that they are meant to control others, when in fact, they are a list of values and priorities that you hold yourself to 1h5m36s.
• A Bill of Rights is a list of values and priorities that you hold yourself to, and it can include things you are allowed to do, such as asking for what you want, having conversations during sex, and having an opinion, as well as things you don't have to do, such as tolerating unkindness 1h5m55s.
• Having a Bill of Rights can help you develop boundaries and communicate them effectively, and it's not just a list of affirmations, but rather a set of guidelines that you've put in place to protect your values and priorities 1h6m12s.
• When creating your Bill of Rights, consider including things that are important to you, such as not tolerating yelling in conversations, and be specific about what you will and won't do 1h7m1s.
• Enforcing your Bill of Rights means being clear and direct about your boundaries, and being willing to take a break or step away from a situation if someone is not respecting them 1h7m15s.
• Having a Bill of Rights can help you build confidence and communicate your boundaries effectively, and it's not just about shouting affirmations at yourself, but rather about having a clear sense of what you stand for and what you won't tolerate 1h8m5s.
• Alex Chosi, a personal growth coach, notes that confidence is not about shouting affirmations at yourself, but rather about having a clear sense of what you stand for and what you won't tolerate 1h8m1s.
• Having a Bill of Rights can help you avoid negotiating with yourself about what is and isn't a boundary, and instead, allows you to be clear and direct about what you will and won't do 1h8m30s.
• People pleasing can be addressed by creating operating principles and setting boundaries, which can help mitigate useless tendencies and redirect negative behaviors 1h9m0s.
• Preparation is key, and having a plan in place can add to one's competence, with 20 minutes of preparation potentially adding 20 IQ points 1h9m29s.
• Redirecting negative behaviors is a process that requires effort, but once a new path is established, it can become easier and more automatic, moving from system two to system one thinking 1h10m27s.
• There are four levels of learning: unconsciously incompetent, consciously incompetent, consciously competent, and unconsciously competent, with the goal of becoming a natural in a particular skill or area 1h10m47s.
• Setting boundaries is crucial, and a quote suggests that instead of trying to fix people, one should focus on setting boundaries, which can be a more effective approach 1h11m43s.
• Meeting people where they are and assuming that the person in front of you is who they are, rather than trying to change them, can be a more realistic and effective approach 1h12m11s.
• People often idealize others, focusing on specific characteristics, and try to mold them into their ideal partner, rather than accepting them for who they are 1h12m47s.
• It's essential to set boundaries instead of trying to fix people, as this approach can be particularly helpful for hopeful or hopeless romantics 1h13m0s.
• This concept applies not only to romantic relationships but also to friendships and family relationships 1h13m11s.
• When someone shows you who they are, it's crucial to believe them, as this is the easiest way to negate narcissism and acknowledge red flags 1h13m24s.
• Ignoring red flags is a significant red flag in itself, and being boundaried and understanding one's Bill of Rights can help individuals tolerate less and maintain their boundaries 1h13m57s.
• Establishing a Bill of Rights or operating principles is a task that requires focus and physical writing, but maintaining those boundaries over time is equally important 1h14m38s.
• To stay resilient in boundary setting, it's essential to develop habits and routines that support maintaining those boundaries, rather than relying on temporary motivation or strict prescriptions for living 1h15m21s.
• There is no one-size-fits-all approach to maintaining boundaries, and individuals should find what works best for them, rather than following prescriptive ways of living 1h15m37s.
• To focus on top priorities, write down the top three things to focus on, put them on a business card, laminate it, and keep it in a wallet or pocket as a reminder 1h15m56s.
• Most people don't need to be taught, they need to be reminded, so having a reminder of priorities can be helpful 1h16m25s.
• Being part of a community of like-minded people can also help in staying focused on priorities 1h16m31s.
• Having a morning routine that includes reading reminders or priorities can be beneficial, even if it's just for a short time each day 1h16m50s.
• A simple and effective way to stay focused is to read reminders or priorities once a day, without needing to spend a lot of time meditating or reflecting 1h17m8s.
• Zig Ziglar, a well-known sales trainer, taught the importance of having a daily reminder of priorities and intentions, which can be a powerful tool for staying focused 1h17m42s.
• Ziglar's approach to daily reminders was not about affirmations, but about stating intentions and how one plans to show up each day 1h17m52s.
• The quote "the eyes are the windows to the soul, so be careful what you look at" can serve as a reminder to be mindful of the information and influences one exposes themselves to 1h18m1s.

Maintaining the Boundaries You Set 1h18m14s

• Maintaining boundaries requires revisiting and updating them regularly, as they are not static and can evolve over time, just like personal needs and who you are as a person 1h18m47s.
• It's essential to read and reflect on your boundaries daily, and consider using tools like Post-it notes or mantras to help remember them 1h19m16s.
• Boundaries can change as you grow and develop, and it's crucial to give yourself time to adjust to new boundaries, especially if you're a highly sensitive person 1h19m8s.
• When needing to enforce a boundary or say no, it's not always necessary to have the conversation in the moment, and it's often better to buy time to avoid mixing emotions and logic 1h20m29s.
• Conflict deferment, rather than avoidance, can be an effective strategy, allowing you to address the issue when emotions have cooled down 1h21m8s.
• When feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, taking a break from the conversation or situation can be a helpful way to maintain boundaries and prioritize your needs 1h21m37s.
• Deep breathing techniques, such as taking a deep breath in and out, can help reset your nervous system and provide a moment to collect your thoughts before responding to a situation 1h22m17s.
• This technique, inspired by the martial arts concept of Ki, can help you regain control and respond more mindfully, rather than react impulsively 1h22m9s.

How Sensitive People Can Be More Assertive 1h22m43s

• To reset and make decisions, taking one good solid breath can help, and it's not necessary for others to know about it, allowing for a moment of self-inquiry to tap into desires and advocate for needs 1h23m12s.
• In situations where a decision must be made in the moment, mindfulness can facilitate self-inquiry, and tools like the "Huberman breath" can be helpful 1h23m49s.
• When under pressure, it's essential to remember that there's no such thing as an emergency, and most decisions don't need to be made immediately, unless it's life or death 1h24m29s.
• A default answer of "no" can be helpful when feeling uncomfortable or pressured, and it's essential to remember that no feeling is permanent or fatal 1h24m47s.
• Courage and bravery are developed through action, and it's okay to feel afraid; in fact, fear is a necessary component of bravery 1h25m43s.
• When feeling afraid, it's essential to rewire thoughts and remember that fear doesn't mean anything; it's just a feeling, and it's unlikely to be fatal 1h26m38s.
• The two seconds between a decision and the words that follow can make a big difference, and taking a moment to think before responding can be helpful 1h26m50s.
• In situations where a decision must be made, giving oneself 90 seconds to think before responding can be beneficial 1h27m0s.
• When someone is pressuring or pushing on a boundary, give yourself two seconds to think before responding, and then speak whatever comes to mind, which can help diffuse the conversation 1h27m15s.
• The guilt people-pleasers feel when choosing themselves over others is a visceral emotion, often stemming from a sense of obligation and fear of being disliked 1h28m12s.
• This guilt can be reframed by recognizing that the feeling of guilt is similar to the excitement of finally choosing oneself, and asking whether the guilt is due to not choosing others or the excitement of choosing oneself 1h28m54s.
• It's possible to get over the discomfort of saying no and prioritizing oneself, just like one can get over the discomfort of learning new skills, such as tying shoes or not wetting one's pants 1h29m30s.
• The key is to recognize that one is not for everyone and that saying no is not a source of guilt, but rather a necessary part of setting boundaries and prioritizing oneself 1h29m52s.
• It's essential to ask oneself how important their "no" is and whether they are truly believing that others will be significantly affected by their decision, which can help put things into perspective 1h30m25s.
• Recognizing that one is not that important in the grand scheme of things can help alleviate the guilt associated with saying no and prioritizing oneself 1h30m32s.
• People pleasing and narcissism often overlap due to a sense of self-importance, where an individual's 'no' holds little value because they rarely say it, making others skeptical when they do say 'no' 1h30m48s.
• As a result, when a people pleaser says 'no', others may not believe them because they are not used to hearing it from that person 1h30m59s.
• Similarly, when a people pleaser says 'yes', others may also be skeptical due to the person's tendency to overcommit, making it difficult for them to follow through on their commitments 1h31m4s.

The Guilt of Choosing Yourself Over Others 1h31m9s

• When you constantly say yes to everything, your "no" becomes meaningless, and your "yes" becomes less than meaningless, making it essential to start saying no to things to regain control 1h31m19s.
• Initially, stopping people-pleasing can make life harder because it involves going through a period of loneliness, as people-pleasing is a lonely way to live, making you feel like you're in a transaction with everyone around you 1h32m2s.
• When you start prioritizing yourself as equal to others, some people may leave your life, making you feel lonely, but it's essential to remember that you were already lonely in your people-pleasing state 1h32m31s.
• When you quit people-pleasing, some friends may exit your life, but others may circle back and appreciate the new version of you, as seen in the example of a friend who liked the new version of the person after they said no to doing shots 1h33m12s.
• The process of stopping people-pleasing can take time, and it's not unlike starting a business, where you experience a high level of loneliness before reaching the end result 1h33m58s.
• Having one boundary can make you too healthy for the people around you, causing them to turn on you, and it's essential to remember that setting boundaries is crucial in taking control and setting the tone in relationships 1h34m30s.
• When you take control and set boundaries, other people may not like it, and you may see people exit your life, but it's a necessary step in regaining control and living a healthier life 1h35m5s.
• Beautiful growth, exciting times, and increased freedom can be experienced during periods of loneliness, as it allows individuals to do what they want, when they want, without having to answer to anyone 1h35m35s.
• Initially, making changes to stop people-pleasing may feel uncomfortable and different, but it's essential to remember that one is already uncomfortable in their current situation 1h36m5s.
• If someone, such as a narcissistic person, is going to be mad regardless of one's actions, it's better to do what one wants and feel better about themselves 1h36m36s.
• Making commitments to oneself and showing up for those commitments can help build confidence, which is not dependent on external factors like money, friends, or material possessions 1h37m20s.
• When individuals start prioritizing themselves and showing up for their commitments, they begin to think more positively about themselves and their abilities, leading to increased confidence and a sense of self-worth 1h37m45s.
• As confidence grows, individuals may start to explore new possibilities and take risks, such as starting a business or traveling the world, which can lead to personal growth and a more fulfilling life 1h38m8s.
• However, it's common to experience setbacks and make mistakes along the way, such as forming unhealthy relationships or getting too full of oneself, but these can be opportunities for course correction and growth 1h38m57s.
• Ultimately, the journey of self-discovery and growth can lead to finding people who love and accept one for who they are, rather than trying to please others for validation 1h39m5s.
• A question was posed about whether people love individuals for who they are or for what they do, and it was noted that people often ask the world to love them for who they are, but their own love is contingent on how they've shown up that day 1h39m14s.
• This concept is related to self-worth, and it was compared to having a friend who consistently fails to follow through on their commitments, leading to a breakdown in trust 1h40m0s.
• Self-trust is built when individuals can deliver on their intentions, and it is damaged when they consistently fail to do so, such as hitting the snooze button or breaking their diet 1h40m16s.
• The concept of triggers was also discussed, and it was noted that triggers are the individual's responsibility, but the definition of triggers can be complex and nuanced 1h41m32s.
• Triggers can be auditory, visual, or experiential, and they can cause a visceral emotional reaction, bringing the individual back to a state of deep fear and anxiety 1h42m0s.
• The speaker noted that they have done work on post-traumatic stress disorder and believe that there is a conflation between triggers and negative emotions 1h42m35s.
• The speaker's business partner, Newton, was mentioned as someone who had a profound experience with psychedelics in Australia, which led to him questioning whether people loved him for who he was or for what he did 1h39m9s.
• It is recommended to consult a professional in the psychological field if experiencing overwhelming reactions to external stimuli, as this may be a more complex issue that requires specialized attention 1h42m52s.
• There is a distinction between triggers and negative emotions, as well as between trauma and adversity, and understanding these differences is crucial for addressing personal triggers 1h43m10s.
• Triggers are considered the individual's responsibility, and being made to feel uncomfortable by someone else does not necessarily constitute being triggered 1h43m20s.
• There is a difference between dealing with severe triggers, such as those related to post-traumatic stress disorder, and dealing with milder triggers related to discomfort or dislike 1h43m40s.
• Individuals have the responsibility to address and manage their own triggers, regardless of their origin or severity 1h43m35s.

The Role of Triggers in People-Pleasing 1h43m51s

• Growing up, people are not required to tiptoe around others, and the idea that everyone is supposed to be everything to everyone all the time is unsustainable and unrealistic 1h43m53s.
• The capacity to give up on people is an important aspect of people-pleasing, and it's essential to know when someone has gone too far and when to stop investing in them 1h44m40s.
• The noble part of people-pleasing is giving someone a chance when nobody else would, but some people take it too far and struggle to set boundaries 1h45m0s.
• There's an epidemic of no contact in the world, and giving up on people is happening too quickly, with not everyone who bumps up against boundaries being a narcissist or toxic 1h45m36s.
• Not everyone who doesn't understand new boundaries is toxic, and it's essential to approach each situation with nuance 1h46m1s.
• Nuance is often used as an excuse to avoid hearing others' perspectives, but it's a crucial aspect of understanding complex relationships 1h46m15s.
• In some cases, going no contact or cutting people out of one's life may be necessary, as evidenced by the speaker's personal experiences with their father and sister 1h46m38s.
• Malevolence is unmistakable and a clear sign that it's time to reevaluate a relationship and potentially set boundaries or distance oneself 1h47m11s.

When to Give Up on Someone 1h47m35s

• When considering people who are further along in life and have established success, additional complications arise when trying to enter a world of self-advocacy, particularly if they have financial resources, reputation, status, or acclaim 1h48m0s.
• Highly successful people pleasers may face more challenging obstacles to overcome due to having more at stake, and their deeply ingrained belief systems that have been reinforced over years 1h49m3s.
• The challenges of being a highly successful people pleaser can lead to burnout, as they may feel like they are just a source of financial support for others 1h49m41s.
• To overcome these challenges, it is necessary to redefine one's relationship with the two highest value things in life: family and money, with devaluing money being a top priority 1h50m1s.
• Devaluing money can be difficult, especially for those who enjoy making and spending money, but it allows for prioritizing things that bring actual joy and fulfillment 1h50m20s.
• Mark Manson's statement that both a homeless person and Elon Musk can have money problems highlights that financial struggles can affect anyone, regardless of their financial situation 1h48m47s.
• Beliefs drive behavior, behavior creates environment, and beliefs are built through reinforcement, making it essential to address and change deeply ingrained people-pleasing beliefs 1h49m14s.
• People who have spent years reinforcing people-pleasing behaviors may have convinced themselves that not making everyone happy will lead to financial ruin, making it harder to change their ways 1h49m28s.

Highly Successful People-Pleasers 1h50m37s

• Changing one's behavior, especially for people pleasers, requires a significant amount of time and resources, and it can be more challenging than overcoming other habits 1h50m55s.
• Highly successful individuals, typically between 35 and 55 years old, making over a quarter million dollars per year, tend to experience a moment of clarity when they break the people-pleasing habit, and this change is often permanent 1h51m13s.
• For individuals who are not yet at this level of success, it may take longer to recognize the pattern and make a change, but with the right techniques, such as learning to say no, they can also overcome people-pleasing 1h51m45s.
• When someone with a higher status or prestige makes a change, others around them tend to trust and follow their decision, as they have faith in their abilities and judgment 1h52m30s.
• People with a higher status or reputation often have more support and resources, which can make it easier for them to make changes and take risks 1h53m33s.
• It's essential to remember that people do love and care about those who are changing, but they may not know how to show it, and they may have more to lose than the person making the change, especially if they are in a position of higher status 1h53m55s.
• There is a component of selfishness within social relationships, as people need to keep those with higher status happy, and this can affect the dynamics of relationships and the ability to make changes 1h54m26s.
• People who are loved by many often have a big social status, but those who love them may not want them to change their people-pleasing behavior as they benefit from it, either directly or indirectly 1h54m59s.
• The meaning of life is believed to be love, adventure, and honesty, and being honest with loved ones will only make them love more 1h55m23s.
• Being imperfect is what makes people lovable, just like velcro works because of its imperfections, and being true to oneself will make others love and appreciate them more 1h55m52s.
• Embracing one's true self and not trying to please others can lead to a more fulfilling life, with benefits such as having boundaries, great relationships, and amazing experiences 1h56m28s.
• Falling in love with oneself and letting people come and go as they need to can bring a sense of gratitude and freedom 1h56m41s.
• Having a strong sense of self and being true to oneself can lead to great opportunities and connections, such as meeting new friends and having amazing experiences 1h57m3s.
• Being authentic and true to oneself online can lead to new opportunities and connections, such as being invited to shows or meeting new people 1h58m1s.
• The journey of self-discovery and being true to oneself is worth it, regardless of the challenges or difficulties that may arise 1h58m32s.
• People-pleasing is an unseen epidemic that many people deal with, and being able to address it from a positive and empowering frame can be incredibly helpful 1h58m41s.
• Overcoming people-pleasing behavior is a challenging and internal battle that requires self-reflection and personal growth, and it's a process that may not receive external recognition or glory 1h58m53s.
• The journey to stop being a people-pleaser is a personal and internal struggle that can be both boring and magnificent at the same time 1h59m18s.
• Reading books that address people-pleasing behavior can be impactful in making positive changes, and some recommended books include "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck 1h59m50s.
• "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura was the first book to help identify and address people-pleasing behavior, providing a clear understanding of the issue 2h0m0s.
• "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover is considered a cornerstone text on the topic, offering guidance on overcoming people-pleasing tendencies 2h0m13s.
• "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck is a highly recommended book that can bring about significant personal growth and change, especially for those who are willing to absorb and reflect on its message 2h1m14s.
• Other notable authors and books that can aid in personal growth and overcoming people-pleasing behavior include Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and "Atomic Habits" by James Clear 2h0m53s.
• Kurt Vonnegut is a favorite fictional author, and his book "Slaughterhouse-Five" is a notable work, although not directly related to people-pleasing behavior 2h1m31s.

Impactful Books for People-Pleasers 2h1m38s

• The book "Sirens of Titans" is a favorite, and the author's entire library has been read, but there's a growing feeling of burnout on reading personal growth content 2h1m39s.
• The author has likely absorbed around 10,000 hours of personal growth information and feels they already know what they need to know 2h2m7s.
• Nick Pollard appreciates the energy and vibe of the host and recommends checking out his social media, with the easiest place to find him being "The People Pleaser's Decom" 2h2m21s.
• Nick Pollard can also be found on Instagram under the moniker "The People Displease", which he hopes to get rid of eventually, but it's good for now 2h2m29s.
• To support Nick Pollard, people can follow him on Instagram and YouTube, with the YouTube channel needing more love 2h2m44s.
• Nick Pollard expresses gratitude for being on the show, which has been a dream of his for a couple of years 2h2m53s.
• The conversation ends with a mention of the YouTube algorithm and a recommendation to check out a bespoke episode selected by the "YouTube gods" 2h3m6s.