Why You Should Keep a List of What Makes You Laugh | Chris Duffy | TED

Introduction to Chris Duffy and His Book

• The discussion begins with an introduction to Chris Duffy, an award-winning comedian, writer, and host of TED's podcast "How to be a Better Human", who has a new book called "Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy" 10s.
• Chris Duffy's book is structured around three pillars of humor, which are being present, laughing at oneself, and taking social risks, with the first pillar being the foundation of the other two 2m6s.

The First Pillar of Humor: Being Present

• To be present, one needs to notice the strange and unusual things in the world, and thinking small can help with this, as looking at the big picture can be overwhelming and not funny 4m42s.
• Humor is not about denying the negative aspects of life, but rather finding something to laugh at without ignoring the problems, and looking at small details can help with this 6m15s.
• Chris Duffy recommends keeping a list of the things that make you laugh, as it is an easy and effective way to apply the ideas from his book and have a positive impact on one's life 10m42s.
• Noticing and recording things that make you laugh or smile can be beneficial because these moments can easily be forgotten, and it's often the negative experiences that are remembered more easily 10s.
• Keeping a list of funny moments, whether physical or digital, can be helpful in looking back and recalling the things that naturally brought laughter and joy, such as a serious-looking dad riding down a slide at a playground or an unhelpful message from a healthcare provider's portal 2m6s.
• Paying attention to the funny and delightful things in life can help build awareness and allow individuals to see more of these moments, as it creates a sort of "muscle" for noticing them, much like how watching a documentary about birding can make someone more aware of birds and their songs 8m30s.
• When struggling to be present and pay attention, it can be challenging to bring oneself back to a state of noticing and finding humor, but recognizing the difficulty and acknowledging the importance of presence can be a step in the right direction 14m40s.
• The world is filled with funny, delightful, and absurd things, and paying attention to them can help individuals discover and appreciate these moments, even in everyday life, such as the humor found in a toddler's actions or the absurdity of certain situations 10m50s.

The Second Pillar of Humor: Laughing at Oneself

• Laughing really hard with a friend or family member is a universal experience that creates a strong sense of connection and presence, where individuals are fully engaged and not distracted by other things, such as their phones 10s.
• Being present and aware of one's surroundings is a key aspect of this experience, and it can be achieved through laughter and humor, making it a fun and enjoyable form of meditation 42s.
• Laughing at oneself is an important pillar of humor, as it allows individuals to find delight and humor in their own lives and experiences, rather than just trying to be the center of attention and make others laugh 2m6s.
• Having a great sense of humor is often misunderstood as being the one who tells jokes and makes others laugh, but it can also mean being someone who can laugh with others and find humor in everyday situations 4m6s.
• A sociological study on dating apps found that people value a partner with a great sense of humor, but the definition of this trait differs between men and women, with women seeking someone to laugh with and men seeking someone who laughs at their jokes 6m6s.
• The idea of having a sense of humor is not just about being the one who creates laughter, but also about being able to laugh with others and find joy and delight in everyday experiences 8m6s.
• Having a sense of humor about oneself and not taking oneself too seriously can contribute to a more laughter-filled world, and this can be achieved by laughing at oneself and acknowledging one's own ridiculousness 10s.
• The idea that people want others to be perfect is often misguided, as individuals who appear flawless can come across as intimidating, whereas those who are willing to laugh at themselves and acknowledge their imperfections are often more relatable and approachable 2m6s.
• Laughing at oneself can be an effective way to connect with others and make them feel more at ease, but it is essential to distinguish between good-natured self-deprecation and hurtful or bullying behavior 2m6s.
• The line between good and bad laughing at oneself is subjective and context-dependent, and it is crucial to consider whether a joke or humorous comment is being made about something that is a genuine insecurity or a lighthearted foible 4m30s.

The Social Aspect of Humor and Interpersonal Connection

• When making jokes about oneself, it is essential to be aware of one's own insecurities and not use humor as a way to preemptively deflect criticism or judgment from others 6m40s.
• When laughing at others, it is vital to do so in a kind and gentle manner, rather than using humor to belittle or mock them, and to prioritize empathy and understanding 8m20s.
• When interacting with others, it's essential to consider their feelings and boundaries, and one way to do this is by letting them take the lead in conversations, especially when it comes to humor, and being mindful of their insecurities and sensitive areas 10s.
• Experimenting with not being the one making the joke and instead laughing with others when they make a joke can be a supportive and positive way to interact with people, as it shows appreciation for their humor and helps to build connections 42s.
• Being a good audience and showing support for others by laughing at their jokes can go a long way in building relationships and creating a positive atmosphere, and this can be applied to various social situations, whether it's a formal audience or a casual conversation 2m6s.
• Smiling and having a positive demeanor, even when not talking, can help to create a joyful and welcoming atmosphere, and this can be especially helpful in nervous or professional situations, such as meetings or pitches 4m6s.
• Teaching children about humor in a way that is kind and respectful of others is crucial, and this can be done by modeling empathetic and caring behavior, and by explaining that just because something is funny, it doesn't mean it's kind or right 6m6s.
• Realizing that laughter is not always an endorsement of someone's behavior or humor, and being mindful of the impact of one's words and actions on others, is an important aspect of developing a sense of humor that is respectful and considerate of others 8m6s.

Personal Anecdotes and the Importance of Listening

• When first dating his wife, Molly, he went to dinner with her friends and their parents, and he tried to entertain them by telling his best stories, but afterwards, Molly told him that he didn't let anyone else talk, which was helpful feedback to realize the importance of giving others space and not dominating the conversation 10s.
• For kids, the idea that they have to be perfect can be harmful, and instead, they should be taught to care for themselves by embracing their unique qualities and flaws, which can be a gift in comedy and in life, as it allows people to connect with others on a deeper level 2m6s.

The Third Pillar of Humor: Taking Social Risks

• The third pillar of humor is putting oneself out there, taking social risks, and being willing to be laughed at, which can be done in low-stakes ways, such as trying something new and out of routine, like attending a festival or event that is unusual or unexpected 6m42s.
• Taking social risks can be done alone and in small ways, such as doing something that is out of one's routine, like attending a festival or workshop that is different from what one would normally do, which can be a fun and exciting way to experience new things and find humor in them 8m30s.
• The idea is to share one's sense of humor and funny experiences with others, and to be open to new and different experiences, which can help to build connections with others and create a more humorous and lighthearted approach to life 10m10s.
• Engaging in unusual activities, such as visiting a weird shop or attending an unconventional event, can lead to laughter and memorable experiences, even if it's just a personal and private experience 10s.
• Taking small risks in conversations with people who are not well-known can help create opportunities for laughter and connection, such as asking unusual but genuine questions, like inquiring about the worst soup someone has ever eaten 2m6s.
• Cheryl R and Rebecca G asked questions related to developing a sense of humor, with Cheryl seeking to find the humorous side of life more naturally and Rebecca wanting to know if it's possible to train oneself to be funny 2m6s.

Developing a Sense of Humor as a Skill

• The response to these questions is that humor can be developed as a skill, similar to a muscle that can be practiced and strengthened, and that paying attention to what makes one laugh is an essential part of this process 2m6s.
• To develop a sense of humor, it's recommended to start by noticing what makes one laugh, keeping a list of funny moments, lines, or experiences, and practicing attention to unusual or amusing things 2m6s.
• It's also important to be easy on oneself and not to get discouraged if humor doesn't come naturally at first, as the process of trying to have fun should be enjoyable and not stressful 2m6s.
• Working the muscle of laughter and building a bank of things that have made you laugh can help humor bleed into other parts of your life 10s.

The Social and Cultural Nature of Humor

• The social part of humor is important, and it depends on finding the right people who are aligned with you in terms of laughter, as not everyone will click on the same level of humor 42s.
• Comedy can be seen as a form of journalism, as it often involves observing something in a new way and making people pay attention to it, with the goal of finding the truth and making people laugh and connect 2m6s.
• Observing with a sense of curiosity is essential to both comedy and journalism, and it can lead to great discoveries and innovations, as people often go from thinking "that's funny" to trying to figure out why something happens 2m6s.
• Great reporting starts with great questions, and being open to being surprised is an important element of both comedy and journalism, as it can lead to laughter and new insights 2m6s.
• Finding humor that translates across culture and languages is a challenging question, and there may be universal truths or golden rules that exist in the journey towards humor, but it is a topic that requires further exploration 6m38s.
• The most satisfying humor is often specific to a particular relationship or group of people, and is not universal, as it builds a sense of community and language between individuals who share a common understanding 10s.

The Science of Humor and the Benign Violation Theory

• The University of Colorado Boulder has a humor research lab, known as HuRL, which has developed the benign violation theory, suggesting that people laugh when something is a violation of norms, but is not harmful or scary 2m6s.
• A classic example of a benign violation is a tickle, which is an attack that is not actually painful, and is a universal form of humor that can be observed across cultures and even in animals 2m6s.
• However, a tickle is only considered a benign violation if it is done by someone familiar, as a stranger tickling someone can be perceived as threatening or scary 2m6s.
• Other universal forms of humor include flatulence and feces-related jokes, as evidenced by a 2-year-old child finding humor in saying "big fart" 4m30s.
• Saying something true and honest, especially when it comes to cross-cultural or cross-language differences, can also be a source of humor, as it often highlights the absurdities and challenges of communication 6m10s.

Humor as a Career and Personal Journey

• The journey to finding laughter and humor is a personal one, and can involve transitioning careers and exploring different forms of comedy and writing, as seen in the example of Chris Duffy's career path 8m40s.
• When giving advice to a younger self, it's important to consider the potential impact of altering one's past experiences and decisions, and Chris Duffy would not give his younger self advice, preferring to let his life unfold naturally 10m20s.
• The idea that mistakes and imperfections can be a source of humor is a key message, as these are the things that can create laughter and have potential for humor in life, with the concept of comedy equals tragedy plus time suggesting that anything bad can be seen as humorous with enough distance 2m6s.

Finding Humor in Difficult and Challenging Situations

• The importance of finding humor in difficult situations is highlighted, with many people submitting questions about finding humor in challenging areas of life, such as chronic or terminal illness, and how to find their way back to humor after losing their sense of it 4m42s.
• A personal story is shared about the challenging time when the speaker's wife got seriously ill and no one could figure out what was wrong, and how humor became an important tool for both of them to get through that time, with the speaker acting as their wife's primary caretaker 6m15s.
• The speaker's wife experienced injuries and chronic pain that made her unable to take care of herself, leading to a tough time physically, mentally, and emotionally, with feelings of hopelessness and suicidal ideation, making it a very dark and scary moment in their lives 8m10s.
• The speaker emphasizes that it's not like they found humor in the situation immediately, but rather that humor became a way to cope with the difficulties they were facing, and that it's not about finding humor in the darkest moments, but about finding a way to laugh and find joy even in the toughest times 10m40s.
• Laughter can provide a temporary release of tension, even in difficult situations, allowing individuals to breathe again and find moments of lightness amidst heaviness 10s.
• A personal experience involved a friend, Molly, considering a silent retreat center where she could stay for free if she cleaned the dishes and bathrooms, but the idea of the speaker accompanying her to such a place was humorous due to their talkative nature 42s.
• The act of laughing in tough moments does not fix the underlying issues, such as depression or suicidal ideation, but it can help individuals get through the day and provide a huge benefit 2m6s.
• To find laughter every day, the speaker and Molly would watch YouTube videos of outtakes or visit the Reddit community "contagious laughter," which features people laughing genuinely and contagiously 2m6s.
• The speaker started a "Comedy RX" segment, inspired by poet Sarah Kay's "poetry RX" concept, where people submit their stories and receive guidance on finding humor in challenging situations 4m6s.

The Role of Humor in Coping with Stress and Trauma

• The first submission for "Comedy RX" came from Iman, who was experiencing a challenging time due to job loss and was seeking guidance on how to find humor during this phase without minimizing the pressure 5m6s.
• Finding humor in difficult moments can be a way to cope with stress and negative emotions, and acknowledging genuine feelings can be a way to connect with others and find laughter, even in situations like being unemployed or dealing with the absurdity of LinkedIn 10s.
• People in high-stress environments, such as emergency room doctors, social workers, teachers, and soldiers, often develop a great sense of humor as a way to release tension and cope with their situations, and they can often connect and laugh with others who have similar experiences 2m6s.
• When trying to find humor in difficult situations, it's essential to consider the audience and find people who can relate to the experience, as they are more likely to understand and laugh with you, rather than trying to make jokes with someone who may not be able to understand the context 4m42s.
• Staying upbeat after losing one's life's work and purpose can be challenging, and it's essential to acknowledge the negative emotions and find ways to cope with them, rather than trying to force positivity, and humor can be a way to find relief and connection with others who have gone through similar experiences 8m10s.
• The idea that people should stay upbeat after losing their life's work and purpose can be seen as unrealistic and even humorous, as it's natural to feel negative emotions in such situations, and acknowledging these feelings can be a way to find humor and connection with others 10m10s.
• Finding humor in difficult situations can be achieved by sharing the experience with others and laughing about the absurdity together, which can be a fun way to cope 10s.

Finding Humor in Everyday and Absurd Situations

• It is not necessary to laugh directly about the difficult situation, but rather finding laughter in other things, such as a funny video, can help bring humor into one's life 42s.
• A professor at a school focused on global leadership is struggling to find humor in the challenge of grading student essays that may have been written with the help of generative AI, and is instead teaching students how to outsmart the robot 2m6s.
• The professor's email describing this situation is already humorous, and the key to finding comedy in this academic hall of mirrors is to acknowledge and express genuine feelings and thoughts, which can help others laugh and appreciate the absurdity of the situation 2m6s.
• To help students find the comedy in this situation, it is suggested to say exactly what is being thought and felt, such as the possibility that AI-generated answers and AI-graded work can make humans feel meaningless, and to read the humorous email in class to spark a conversation 2m6s.

Humor as a Tool for Connection and Change

• Laughter can be used to create genuine human connections, and sharing funny experiences can be both entertaining and a way to form bonds with others 10s.
• A person shared a story about being in an affinity group, where they were dating the leader, only to discover that the leader was also seeing another girl in the group, and this situation can be laughed at as part of a comedic tradition of joking about bad dating experiences 42s.
• The idea of laughing at oneself and one's own misfortunes can be an effective way to connect with others, especially in situations where people wish their loved ones would behave differently, such as a husband struggling with retirement or a strong-willed teenage daughter 2m6s.
• Laughing at oneself and acknowledging one's own helplessness or cluelessness can create an opportunity for others to connect and open up, as seen in the example of a parent trying to connect with their teenage daughter 2m6s.
• The book "How to Find True Love" by Franchesca Hogi is recommended as a resource for finding love and connection, and Franchesca Hogi is mentioned as a member of the TED community 4m30s.
• Relatable situations, such as having loved ones who are struggling with change or refusing to listen, can be approached with humor by acknowledging one's own relationship with humor and laughing at oneself, rather than trying to force others to laugh or change 5m10s.
• Laughing at oneself and one's own failures can be an effective way to connect with others and create a space for laughter, which can ultimately lead to getting what one wants, as it reveals a place of care and love, 10s.
• Creating an opportunity for laughter can be a powerful tool for change, as it is often easier to change oneself than to change others, and humor can be used to invite people to envision new ways of leading, 42s.

Humor in Leadership and Vulnerability

• The concept of selective vulnerability can be applied to humor in leadership, where being vulnerable in a way that makes people feel safe and human can be beneficial, as seen in the example of a CEO being selectively vulnerable in an all-hands meeting, 2m6s.
• Humor can be used to inspire leaders to open up to the possibility of change, rather than creating a defensive reaction, by using selective vulnerability and laughing at oneself in a way that makes people feel like they can trust and relate to the leader, 2m6s.
• Diana A's question about using humor to invite people to envision new ways of leading is an interesting one, and the idea of selective vulnerability can be a useful approach to achieving this goal, as it allows leaders to be vulnerable while still maintaining a sense of safety and trust, 2m6s.