Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!

Intro 0s

• Research shows that the brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe gestures over words, as it is difficult to lie with gestures 0s.
• A simple experiment demonstrates the difficulty of lying with gestures, such as saying the number five while holding up three fingers 10s.
• Behavioral investigator Vanessa van Edwards has used science-backed research to revolutionize the way people build confidence and create authentic relationships through body language, micro-expressions, vocal tones, and first impressions 30s.
• Highly successful people speak a hidden language, and knowing this language can improve social and professional interactions 42s.
• Research has shown that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer can improve one's own performance by 15% 51s.
• There is a direct correlation between confidence and anxiety and the distance between the shoulder and ear 58s.
• 82% of impressions of people are based on warmth and competence, which can impact how seriously people are taken and their ability to get raises 1m3s.
• Five power cues for competence and five warmth cues can be used to improve interactions and relationships 1m12s.
• A study found that it is impossible to be attracted to someone who is not showing warmth and competence through their body language 1m24s.
• The host asks for a favor, requesting that listeners subscribe to the show in exchange for a commitment to improve the show based on feedback 1m38s.
• The host introduces Vanessa van Edwards, a behavioral investigator, and invites her to share why listeners should stay and listen to the conversation 2m11s.

The Crucial Role of Cues for Success 2m13s

• Highly successful people speak a hidden language of cues, and being able to read and control these cues is crucial for success 2m14s.
• 82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence, so controlling these cues can significantly impact our impression and memorability 2m36s.
• Warmth and competence cues are critical to being more confident, having clearer communication, and achieving success in various areas of life 2m42s.
• Controlling communication through warmth and competence cues can have a significant impact on relationships, friendships, career advancement, and overall confidence 3m7s.
• Intelligence alone is not enough to guarantee good relationships or career success; knowing how to communicate with people is essential 3m10s.
• Being able to control communication can help individuals avoid being overlooked or misunderstood, leading to better friendships, partnerships, and career opportunities 3m31s.
• Mastering the language of cues can also increase confidence in social situations, such as walking into a room 3m40s.

I'm a Recovered Awkward Person 3m45s

• Research on charisma and communication is based on personal experience as a recovering awkward person who used to believe charisma was genetic, but discovered in 2002 that charisma can be learned 3m51s.
• This discovery led to a journey of figuring out how to learn charisma, blueprints for conversation, and frameworks for connecting and socializing 4m5s.
• As a behavioral researcher and bestselling author on communication, the focus is on helping brilliant, smart, and awkward individuals overcome their awkwardness and gain confidence 4m21s.
• A framework was developed about 12 years ago, which has helped 400,000 students learn, master, and conquer awkwardness, with various goals such as professional advancement, making friends, or finding a partner 4m36s.
• The framework is effective, but nobody typically teaches this type of information, and most resources are written by extroverts, making it challenging for introverts to learn how to communicate confidently 4m58s.
• The goal is to teach introverts and ambiverts (individuals who are neither purely introverted nor extroverted) to feel confident without having to fake it or pretend to be extroverted 5m24s.
• The term "ambivert" refers to individuals who are not naturally extroverted, but also not purely introverted, and this is the category the researcher identifies with 5m16s.

What's an Ambivert 5m36s

• Ambiverts get energy from the right people in the right places, and they can dial up extroversion to hit their goals, but they need lots of recharge time 5m37s.
• It's essential for ambiverts to know what people and places drain them, as certain individuals can take away their energy and not bring out their extroversion or natural love of people 6m2s.
• Ambiverts should make a list of people who give them energy and those who take from them, and set boundaries around the latter to limit interactions as much as possible 6m26s.
• Knowing the places where ambiverts thrive, such as conferences, one-on-one business, or socializing with friends, helps them optimize their social battery 6m37s.
• Cues come into four different channels: body language (facial expressions, gestures, posture), vocal cues (tone, pace, volume, cadence), verbal cues (the types of words used), and ornaments (colors, jewelry, hairstyle, facial hair) 6m54s.
• Verbal cues, such as the types of words used, signal warmth and competence to others, while ornaments also convey different messages or create a certain impression 7m12s.

One Word Can Change the Way People Think 7m28s

• A study was conducted where participants were divided into two groups and played the same game, but with different labels: the "Community Game" and the "Wall Street Game" 7m45s.
• The results showed that participants who played the "Community Game" shared an average of two-thirds of their profits, while those who played the "Wall Street Game" shared an average of one-third of their profits 8m14s.
• This study demonstrates that the words used can influence people's behavior and actions, with the word "Community" making people think and feel more collaboratively 8m20s.
• The words used in emails, subjects, texts, and LinkedIn profile headlines can also cue people on how to treat others 8m29s.
• Using words like "collaborative", "teamwork", and "collab session" in calendar invites can prime people to feel or think a certain way and set them up for success 9m0s.
• Even a single word can change the way people think, and using words like "collaborate" can make people more likely to be collaborative 9m18s.
• Understanding the power of words and using them effectively can make a significant difference in personal and professional relationships, and can be a key factor in achieving success 9m36s.

The Most Fundamental Skill to Invest In 9m39s

• People skills are considered the most fundamental skill to invest in, as they are crucial for success in life, love, and business, regardless of one's intelligence or talent 9m39s.
• Having people skills is essential for building connections, making friends, and finding partners, as well as for getting one's ideas across and achieving success 9m50s.
• Some individuals, often highly intelligent and talented, struggle with people skills due to their tendency to be stoic and unreadable, which can lead to people disliking and mistrusting them 10m21s.
• Trying to be stoic and unreadable can be a "danger zone" cue, making it difficult for others to get a read on the person and leading to social difficulties 11m3s.
• The biggest transformations occur when individuals learn to amplify their true feelings with the right cues, rather than hiding them 11m12s.
• A notable example of this is Jamie Siminoff, the founder of Ring, who pitched a billion-dollar idea on Shark Tank but received pushback and failed to secure a deal due to his inability to effectively share his idea 11m19s.
• Many people struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed, underestimated, and lacking confidence in social interactions, fearing that being their true selves will lead to rejection 12m5s.
• However, it is possible to be oneself and be liked, and to find one's people by signaling the right cues, which can help others understand how to treat them 12m28s.

The Resting B*tch Face Effect 12m41s

• The concept of "Resting B*tch Face" (RBF) or "Resting Bothered Face" refers to the facial expression people have when they are not actively smiling or showing emotions, and it can greatly impact how others perceive them 12m45s.
• Everyone has a unique resting face, and it's essential to be aware of how one's face looks at rest to avoid giving the wrong impression 13m3s.
• A person's resting face can make them appear sad, angry, or tired, even if they're not feeling that way, and it's crucial to counteract this with positive cues 13m45s.
• Certain facial features, such as a mouth that angles down, a lot of hood above the eyes, or vertical lines between the eyebrows, can contribute to a negative impression 13m49s.
• Makeup can be used to counteract a negative resting face, but it's also important to be mindful of one's facial expressions and make an effort to appear more positive 14m19s.
• Consciously telling oneself to rest their face in a more upward position can help to give a more positive impression, especially when meeting new people or trying to make a good impression 14m38s.
• It's essential to know what one's resting default is and to be aware of how it may be perceived by others 14m52s.
• Some people may have a resting face that appears afraid, characterized by raised eyebrows and visible whites of the eyes, which can make others feel anxious 15m10s.
• To avoid giving the wrong impression, it's recommended to check profile pictures and be mindful of showing the upper whites of the eyes or making contempt micro-expressions 15m34s.
• Three common mistakes people make with their resting face are showing the upper whites of their eyes, making contempt micro-expressions, and having a default expression that appears sad, angry, or afraid 15m39s.

Do Not Fake Smile! 16m1s

• Faking a smile can make people feel better due to the facial feedback hypothesis, which states that making a face can trigger the corresponding emotion, creating a loop between the face and the emotion 16m2s.
• An asymmetrical smile in a profile picture can accidentally signal negativity, as it is associated with scorn and disdain 16m23s.
• The only true indicator of happiness in a smile is the activation of the cheek muscles, which cannot be easily faked 16m34s.
• Faking a smile can be done by anyone, but it is not a reliable indicator of happiness, and people can usually tell the difference 16m39s.
• Smiling without showing teeth can still be effective as long as it reaches the upper cheek muscle, which can be achieved by placing a pen or finger between the mouth and smiling as high as possible 17m7s.
• Activating the cheek muscles in a profile picture can show authentic happiness, and it is recommended to either smile authentically or not at all 17m32s.
• Dr. Barbara Wild's study found that people who saw a picture of someone with an authentic smile had an improved mood, while those who saw a fake smile had no mood change 18m0s.
• It is recommended to avoid fake smiling, as it can have no positive effect on others, and it is better to have no smile at all or be neutral than to fake a smile 18m10s.

The 97 Cues to Be Warm & Competent 18m29s

• Some people have a "resting bothered face" that can give the impression they are unhappy or upset, even when they are not, while others have a "resting smile" that makes them appear happy 18m29s.
• It can be exhausting to deal with people who misinterpret one's facial expressions, and it may be more exhausting to try to change one's natural expression to make a good impression 18m58s.
• There are 97 cues that can be used to convey warmth and competence, and individuals can choose the ones that work best for them to create their own "recipe" for charisma 19m12s.
• Being charismatic is not just about being warm and friendly, but also about being competent, and there are many different ways to convey these qualities 19m25s.
• Not everyone needs to be a bubbly extrovert to be charismatic; introverts and people with different personalities can also be charismatic in their own way 19m33s.
• Research has shown that some people's facial expressions at rest can be misinterpreted by others, with some people appearing angry, sad, or afraid even when they are not 20m8s.
• Very few people have a naturally "happy resting face," with most people appearing neutral or bothered 20m19s.
• The concept of being a "recovering awkward person" refers to someone who has struggled with social interactions and feelings of awkwardness, but has worked to overcome these challenges 20m25s.
• Being an awkward person can involve feeling overwhelmed by social interactions, not knowing what to say or do, and struggling to form connections with others 20m34s.
• Overcoming awkwardness can involve finding ways to connect with others, such as through shared interests or activities, and practicing social skills to become more confident and competent 21m25s.

The Formula to a Perfect Conversation 21m44s

• A personal journey to improve conversation skills began in college, where a group paper assignment led to a realization that working with people was a crucial aspect of the project, not just writing the paper 21m44s.
• A professor suggested studying good conversation like a science, which led to the creation of conversational blueprints and a conversation formula 22m25s.
• This approach turned soft skills into hard skills, allowing for the development of tools to connect with others and make friends, as it did not come naturally 22m47s.
• The journey to improve conversation skills was not immediate, and it took time and practice to feel more confident and comfortable in social situations 23m8s.
• A common misconception is that reading a book or getting tips and tricks can instantly change someone's behavior, but it often takes time and effort to see results 23m16s.
• One of the first tools developed was a set of questions to ask during conversations, including those for first impressions and closing conversations 23m36s.
• Later in life, it was discovered that some people misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative, which can create a bad loop of assuming someone doesn't like you and becoming more unlikable 23m59s.
• A study by Dr. Van Sloan found patterns that make popular kids popular, which involved studying thousands of high school students across various high schools 24m21s.

Science Reveals Why Some People Are Extremely Popular 24m37s

• A study ranked kids across schools and analyzed their traits to determine what made the popular kids popular, and the single variable that held true across all students was that the most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked 25m16s.
• These popular kids had micro moments of liking, where they would greet people in the hallway, making them more likable, and this shows that being likable means being the first to like others 25m34s.
• Being likable is not about being impressive or funny, but rather about liking as many people as possible, which is a shift from the common selfish way of thinking that it's all about oneself 26m2s.
• Some people may struggle with liking others due to past negative interactions or asking the wrong questions, but changing one's approach can help 26m36s.
• The best way to be likable is to help people feel liked, which can be achieved by aggressively liking others and giving them verbal and non-verbal assurances of one's interest 27m0s.
• Using "magic phrases" such as "I was just thinking of you" can help show others that you like and care about them, and can be used authentically in various situations 27m27s.
• This phrase can be used when thinking of someone, seeing something that reminds you of them, or simply to check in and show interest in their life 27m45s.
• Using such phrases can help transform relationships and make others feel more liked and appreciated 27m14s.

Message People Telling Them This… 28m34s

• Reaching out to people by sending them a message saying "I was just thinking of you" can be a good way to reconnect, but it should be done naturally and not forced, such as when something reminds you of them in your daily life 28m44s.
• This approach is less work than trying to come up with something to say to an old friend you haven't spoken to in a while, and it can be more meaningful than generic small talk 29m6s.
• However, some people may be concerned that sending these messages will open up conversations that they don't want to have, especially with acquaintances or people they don't know well 29m48s.
• A good test to determine whether to reach out to someone is to ask yourself if you're willing to have a conversation with them and hear about their life, and if not, it's probably best not to text them 30m10s.
• There are three levels of intimacy in relationships: level one, where you know general traits about someone, such as where they work or live; level two, where you know someone's personal concerns, goals, and motivations; and level three, which is the deepest level, where you know someone's self-narrative, or the story they tell themselves about themselves 30m24s.
• Categorizing relationships into these three levels can be a helpful exercise, and can help you determine which relationships to invest in and which to keep at a distance 30m52s.
• Self-narrative is a deep level of intimacy that involves knowing the story someone tells themselves about themselves, and is the subject of ongoing research 31m24s.
• A self-narrative is the story a person tells themselves about themselves, and it's essential to know this narrative for the closest people in one's life and oneself 31m29s.
• There are three main types of narratives: the Hero narrative, the Healer narrative, and the Victim narrative 31m47s.
• The Hero narrative is about overcoming challenges and mistakes through hard work and intelligence, and people with this narrative tend to have a consistent story across different areas of their life 31m55s.
• The Healer narrative is about helping others, and people with this narrative often work in careers of service, such as physical therapists, nurses, and healthcare professionals 32m16s.
• However, people with the Healer narrative may have a problem with putting others' needs before their own, often due to historic trauma or being put in a caretaking position too early in life 32m29s.
• People with the Healer narrative tend to be people-pleasers and may say yes to too many requests, which can be challenging to work with 32m51s.
• The Victim narrative is about experiencing challenges and mistakes without overcoming them, and people with this narrative often feel that the world is against them 32m59s.
• To uncover one's self-narrative, it's essential to ask oneself if they feel lucky, as this can help identify their underlying narrative 33m17s.

The Luck Experiment 33m22s

• People who perceive themselves as lucky are more likely to be heroes or healers, while those who feel unlucky are typically victims, according to Dr. Richard Wiseman's study 33m25s.
• In the study, participants were asked to count the number of images in a newspaper, but there was a trick: on the second page, in big print, it said "stop counting, there are 42 images in this newspaper" 33m51s.
• Almost all the people who perceived themselves as lucky saw the ad, closed the paper, and gave it back, while almost none of the unlucky people did, missing the ad and continuing to count, making more mistakes 34m1s.
• This suggests that people who think of themselves as lucky literally see more opportunities, while those who think of themselves as unlucky miss them 34m17s.
• It is possible to change how one sees themselves by adopting a growth mindset and starting with small moments of heroism, such as changing people skills or conversation abilities 34m28s.
• By taking tiny experiments and changing them one by one, individuals can begin to have small moments of heroism and change their self-narrative 34m58s.

Being Around Successful People Is Contagious 35m5s

• Research has shown that hidden communication can significantly impact success in the working environment, with a study of 58,000 working hours across 11 companies revealing that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer can improve one's own performance by 15%, while sitting near a low performer can decrease performance by 30% 35m36s.
• This suggests that negative emotions are more contagious than positive ones, and being around people with negative cues, such as anxiety or low confidence, can affect one's own performance 36m12s.
• It is crucial to invest in the people one spends the most time with, as their cues can be "caught" and impact one's own motivation and feelings 36m28s.
• A study on the chemical aspect of communication found that people can literally "smell fear" through sweat, with participants who smelled sweat from skydivers experiencing an activation in their own fear response, while those who smelled sweat from treadmill runners showed no change 36m50s.
• This highlights the importance of following one's gut and being aware of the chemical cues that can be picked up from others 37m56s.
• Intention is key to confidence, and while it can be challenging to fake confidence, having a positive intention can lead to better conversations, reduced nervousness, and increased charisma 38m12s.
• A conversational tool can help individuals become more excited, ask better questions, and feel more likable, creating a positive cycle in interactions with others 38m19s.
• The Q cycle is a process where people send and receive signals, but also internalize them, which can change the cues they send back, and this cycle can be influenced by both positive and negative cues 38m41s.
• A study showed that when a participant received a social rejection cue, such as an eye roll or a scoff, their pupils dilated and their field of vision increased, indicating a fight or flight response 40m1s.
• This response can lead to feelings of anxiety and nervousness, and can change the cues a person sends back to others, creating a negative cycle 40m30s.
• However, labeling or naming the cue can stop the negative cycle, as shown in a study by Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, where participants who were taught to label a fear micro-expression were able to stop their amygdala from activating 40m48s.
• Labeling or naming a cue can be a powerful tool for gaining control over one's emotions and interactions with others, and can be done by simply saying to oneself "noted" or "clocked" when recognizing a negative cue 41m23s.
• This technique can also help people who struggle with liking others, by allowing them to acknowledge and manage their negative emotions in social interactions 41m37s.

The Importance of Hand Gestures 41m55s

• Hand gestures are contagious and play a significant role in non-verbal communication, as they can convey intentions and emotions 41m56s.
• The use of hand gestures can be observed in public figures, such as Donald Trump, who uses a lot of hand gestures, highlighting their importance in communication 42m10s.
• Hand gestures are considered "windows into the soul" and have the power to influence how others perceive us 42m15s.
• When hands are hidden from view, the brain can become distracted and the amygdala can start to fire, leading to feelings of unease or distrust 42m40s.
• From an evolutionary perspective, visible hands can indicate friendly intentions, as they show that a person is not carrying a weapon 42m55s.
• When meeting someone, it is essential to make hand gestures visible, such as putting hands up or out, to convey friendly intentions and build trust 43m21s.
• Even in virtual meetings, such as on Zoom, making hand gestures visible can help establish a connection and create a positive atmosphere 43m35s.

Hand Tricks to Be Liked 43m38s

• When meeting someone in person or on video, try to flash your palm as it makes people feel like you are open and honest 43m51s.
• Highly competent people can speak to others verbally and with their hands, making hand gestures an important aspect of communication 44m1s.
• The most viral TED Talks feature speakers who use an average of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes, while the least popular TED Talks feature speakers who use an average of 271 gestures 44m40s.
• When speaking, people tend to listen to words and look at hand gestures to see if they are congruent, making it difficult to lie with gestures 44m15s.
• Using hand gestures to outline and emphasize points can make a speaker appear more charismatic and confident 45m26s.
• Hand gestures can be used to convey the size or importance of an idea, with larger gestures indicating bigger ideas and smaller gestures indicating smaller ideas 45m35s.
• It is difficult to lie with hand gestures, as the brain is not meant to be incongruent with gestures, which is why people pay close attention to them 46m16s.
• Liars tend to use fewer gestures, while people who are confident and honest tend to use more gestures 46m26s.
• The use of hand gestures is more related to engagement than confidence or nerves, as it helps to convey enthusiasm and emphasis 47m1s.
• Speakers who use gestures are more engaging and expressive, which can lead to more intonations in their voice, making their content more retentive for the algorithm and increasing views 47m43s.
• Using hand gestures can make a speaker appear more competent, and even a thumbnail of a speaker using a hand gesture can get more clicks than one with a facial expression 48m17s.
• Vocal variety is an important aspect of charisma, and it is linked to gestures in a feedback loop, where restricting movement can lead to less charismatic facial expressions and vocal tone 48m50s.
• Vocal variety is critical for conveying both warmth and competence, and good speakers use different tones for different types of information, such as a "Ted Talk voice" for important points, a "numbers voice" for statistics, and a "story tone" for anecdotes 49m6s.
• Using different vocal varieties can make a speaker more engaging and help the listener follow the structure of the talk, as it provides a clear outline of the content 49m52s.
• The use of gestures and vocal variety can be affected by factors such as over-rehearsing or holding a podium or clicker too tightly, which can restrict movement and lead to a less engaging presentation 47m28s.
• Chairs with arms can make people less expressive and lead to less interesting conversations, especially when the chair is positioned far from the table, as it may cause individuals to lean back and put their hands in their lap, making them appear less engaged 50m37s.
• Using a chair with arms can broaden one's arms out, but this is only effective when the chair is positioned close to the table, allowing individuals to place their hands on the table 51m9s.
• The physical environment can significantly impact how people are perceived and how they move, highlighting the importance of being intentional about body language and positioning 51m16s.
• Mirroring body language and positioning oneself head-on with the conversation partner can create a more intimate and engaging conversation 51m25s.
• The ideal distance between two people having a conversation is about arm's length, allowing them to shake hands if desired, which falls within the personal zone of proxemics 51m46s.
• There are four different proxemic zones: the public zone (5-8 feet away), the social zone (3-5 feet away), the personal zone (arm's length), and the intimate zone 51m59s.
• Placing a video camera too close to one's face can accidentally signal intimacy cues and make others feel uncomfortable, so it's recommended to position the camera at least one arm's length away (about 1.5-3 feet) 52m46s.
• FaceTime can feel intimate, especially for introverts, because it creates a setup that tricks people into being in the intimate zone with someone, similar to how loud bars and nightclubs facilitate romantic relationships by forcing people to stand closer together due to the noise 53m12s.
• In loud bars and nightclubs, the noise level makes it difficult for people to hear each other, leading them to stand closer and accidentally enter each other's intimate zone, which can trigger a cycle of feelings of intimacy and increase the desire for physical touch 53m33s.
• The intimate zone is a personal space where people feel comfortable with physical touch and intimacy, and entering this zone can create feelings of closeness and intimacy, even if it's accidental 53m46s.
• The book "The Game" by Neil Strauss was mentioned as a relevant reference, and it was ordered by the speaker's older brother, Jason, while he was at university 54m10s.

The Scientific Formula to Be More Charismatic 54m15s

• Charisma is composed of two main components: warmth and competence, which signal trust, likeability, friendliness, power, reliability, and capability, making up 82% of impressions of people 55m15s.
• Highly charismatic people are able to signal both high warmth and high competence simultaneously, making others trust and like them while also perceiving them as reliable and competent 55m25s.
• Individuals can lean more towards either warmth or competence, and being aware of this can help them adjust their behavior to achieve their desired impression 55m38s.
• Research by Dr. Susan Fisk in 2002 found that charisma is based on signaling high warmth and high competence 55m2s.
• There are differences in how men and women are perceived, with men often defaulting to higher competence and women to higher warmth, but these are general trends and not absolute 56m8s.
• To change how others perceive them, individuals can "dial up" either their warmth cues or competence cues, which can affect how people treat them 56m36s.
• There are five power cues for competence and five warm cues for warmth that can be used to adjust one's behavior and impression 56m41s.

The Danger Zone of Being Too Warm or Competent 56m47s

• There is a "danger zone" where individuals are perceived as having low warmth and low competence, making it difficult for others to trust and work with them 56m54s.
• People who are very smart and competent may rely too heavily on their ideas and book smarts, neglecting to send warmth cues, which can lead to difficulties in communicating and building trust with others 57m12s.
• The example of Jamie Simmon from "The Tank" is given, where he failed to show enough warmth or competence cues, relying solely on his ideas and numbers, and was unable to secure a deal 57m22s.
• Highly competent individuals who do not show enough warmth can come across as suspicious, leading others to be skeptical of their ideas 57m40s.
• On the other hand, being too warm can also be detrimental, as excessive warmth cues such as nodding, laughing, or vocalizations can make a person appear incompetent or untrustworthy 58m16s.
• Too much warmth can take away from a person's perceived competence, and finding a balance between warmth and competence is essential for effective communication and building trust with others 58m41s.

The Power Cues 58m45s

• The "steeple" hand gesture, where the hands are relaxed and form a triangle shape, is a power pose that conveys competence and confidence, as it shows the palms while keeping the hands together in a still position 58m59s.
• This hand gesture was found to be the highest-rated hand gesture made by leaders in a study, but it's essential to avoid drumming fingers, which can give a negative impression 59m33s.
• A picture of Vanessa, the author, on the cover of her book, showcases a perfect balance of power and warmth cues, including the steeple gesture, angled body, smoldering eye contact, and an upturned face 1h0m17s.
• The distance between the earlobe and shoulder is a crucial measurement, as a smaller distance can make a person appear anxious and less confident, while a more relaxed distance conveys confidence and trustworthiness 1h0m56s.
• Maintaining a relaxed distance between the earlobe and shoulder is essential for making a good first impression and in profile pictures, as it shows confidence and reduces the perception of anxiety 1h1m40s.
• When sitting, having a table setup that allows for a maximum distance between the shoulders can make a person appear and feel more confident, as it enables them to steeple and roll their shoulders down and back 1h1m48s.
• Maintaining a level chin and avoiding looking down at someone is recommended, as looking down can be perceived as scornful or judgmental 1h2m11s.
• Maximizing the distance between the ears and shoulders can also contribute to a more confident appearance 1h2m24s.
• Good eye contact is a power move, and highly competent people tend to make eye contact specifically at the end of their sentences to drill a point 1h2m59s.
• The ideal amount of eye contact in Western culture is between 60 and 70% of the conversation, as making over 70% eye contact can be considered a territorial gesture 1h3m30s.
• A lower lid Flex, where the lower eyelids are hardened, is a powerful cue that can be used to show focus and understanding, and is often utilized by people who are considered attractive or confident 1h4m0s.
• The lower lid flex is a subtle body language cue that indicates focus and intensity, often making the person exhibiting this cue appear more attractive and engaged, particularly in situations where they are listening intently to someone else 1h5m1s.
• The lower lid flex is not inherently positive, but rather a cue of focus, and can be an indicator that someone is interested in what is being said or is trying to understand the information being presented 1h5m22s.
• Noticing the lower lid flex can be incredibly important in situations such as sales meetings or presentations, as it can provide a hint of skepticism or confusion that needs to be addressed before moving on 1h6m57s.
• Failing to investigate the lower lid flex can lead to misinterpretation of the cue, potentially causing the presenter to lose confidence and become less effective 1h7m16s.
• Oxytocin, often referred to as the hormone of love and connection, is also used in medical settings to induce labor in women, and understanding the context of this hormone is crucial to avoid confusion or skepticism 1h5m44s.
• Recognizing and understanding body language cues like the lower lid flex can help individuals more deeply understand people, potentially leading to improved relationships and a more positive outlook on interactions with others 1h7m46s.

How to Spot a Liar 1h7m55s

• Vocal cues, such as tone and inflection, play a significant role in conveying emotions and intentions, and can greatly impact how others perceive us 1h7m56s.
• An "accidental question inflection" occurs when a statement sounds like a question due to a rising tone at the end, which can lead to the listener scrutinizing the speaker's intentions 1h8m11s.
• Research has shown that people who use accidental question inflections are often perceived as less confident or even dishonest, as liars tend to use this inflection when telling a lie 1h8m35s.
• A study found that people who told lies often used a question inflection when stating their false claim, as if asking the listener to believe them 1h9m4s.
• Using a downward inflection, on the other hand, can convey confidence and authority, as seen in the speaking style of highly competent individuals like President Obama 1h10m5s.
• When asking for something, such as a raise or a sale, using a question inflection can undermine one's confidence and invite negotiation, whereas a downward inflection can assert one's value 1h9m34s.
• When introducing oneself, using a statement instead of a question can greatly impact how others perceive one's confidence and charisma, as demonstrated by the difference between saying "My name is Vanessa van Edwards" versus "My name is Vanessa van Edwards?" 1h11m0s.
• A study on surgeons found that their vocal statements, including tone and inflection, can affect how others perceive their confidence and competence 1h11m17s.
• Researchers recorded 10-second voice tone clips of surgeons introducing themselves, which included their name, specialty, and workplace, and then altered the clips to remove the actual words, leaving only the volume, pace, and cadence. 1h11m27s
• People were asked to rate these surgeons on warmth and competence based on the altered clips, and the results showed that the doctors with the lowest ratings had the highest rate of malpractice lawsuits. 1h11m57s
• This suggests that people's perception of a doctor's skills, rather than their actual skills, is what leads to lawsuits, and this perception is formed within the first few seconds of hearing them. 1h12m10s
• When introducing oneself, it's essential to practice and deliver the introduction with conviction, avoiding upward inflections that can make it sound like a question, as this can lead to people doubting one's confidence and competence. 1h12m53s
• Using downward inflection when speaking, except when asking questions, can help convey confidence and competence, and is a trait often found in people who are perceived as charismatic. 1h13m21s
• People often overassume that others can read their thoughts and feelings, a phenomenon known as signal amplification bias, and it's essential to explicitly express one's thoughts and feelings rather than relying on nonverbal cues. 1h14m7s
• Using phrases like "I was just thinking of you" or "You're always so " can be effective ways to assure someone that you value or appreciate them, but it's essential to be genuine and only use these phrases if they're true. 1h14m24s
• Giving someone a positive label is considered the best gift, as it counters the signal amplification bias. 1h14m44s
• People feel honored when they are given brain space and remembered, especially when something they previously lit up about is brought up again. 1h14m51s
• Three magic phrases can be used to fight signal implication bias, although the specific phrases are not mentioned in this segment. 1h15m6s
• Broadcasting positive signals and symbols can increase the likelihood that people will like you. 1h15m17s

If You've Been Told You're Intimidating, Do This 1h15m23s

• Five warmth cues are recommended for individuals who have been told they are intimidating, hard to talk to, or cold, and often feel like people are holding back or not opening up to them, with the first cue being a triple nod, which can encourage the other person to speak 67% longer if done slowly 1h16m24s.
• A triple nod should be done carefully, avoiding bobbleheading or doing it too fast, as this can convey impatience, and instead, it should be used as a non-verbal cue to encourage the other person to continue speaking 1h16m42s.
• The second warmth cue is a head tilt, which is a universal sign of trying to hear something and can make the person delivering bad news more likable if done with a slight head tilt 1h17m23s.
• A head tilt can also be used to add warmth to a conversation or interview, but it should be done subtly and not excessively, as this can look weird 1h17m58s.
• For individuals who are "bobble headers" and tend to nod too much, replacing this behavior with a head tilt can be an effective way to train themselves to show they are listening without overdoing it 1h18m12s.

Don't Let Anyone Use This With You 1h18m37s

• A head tilt can signal that someone cares and is empathetic, and even a small gesture like this can make a big difference in how a message is received 1h18m37s.
• Some people, including those in the NLP and pickup artist communities, use a manipulative technique where they move their hand in a nodding motion to get others to agree with them, and this can be done subtly to influence an entire audience 1h19m17s.
• This technique works because when someone moves their hand in a nodding motion, the other person is likely to start nodding as well, which can make them feel like they agree with the person, even if they don't consciously realize it 1h19m25s.
• To avoid being manipulated by this technique, it's essential to be aware of it and not let others use it on you, and it's also important not to use it on others yourself 1h19m51s.
• A genuine smile that reaches the eyes is a sign of warmth and can make a person more likable, but a fake smile can have the opposite effect 1h20m23s.
• Authentic body language, including a genuine smile, can make a person appear more trustworthy and likable, and it's essential to be authentic in your body language to build trust with others 1h20m29s.
• Leaning in when speaking or listening to someone can show that you're interested and engaged, and it can help to build a connection with the other person 1h20m58s.
• Highly charismatic people often use leaning in as a way to build rapport with others, and it can be an effective way to show that you're interested in what someone is saying 1h21m14s.
• As a speaker, leaning in when making an important point can help to add emphasis and make the message more engaging, and as a listener, leaning in can show that you're interested and engaged 1h21m25s.

The 6 Questions to Connect With Someone 1h21m45s

• When around certain people, some individuals may experience discomfort or unease, causing them to overthink their body language and unintentionally display defensive or closed-off cues, such as crossing their legs or covering themselves, which can be an indication of underlying issues in the relationship 1h21m45s.
• Gut feelings and subconscious cues can be important indicators of the dynamics at play in a relationship, and it may be necessary to do more research to understand the underlying causes of these feelings 1h22m32s.
• It's possible that the discomfort or unease is a result of a loop where both parties are expecting a negative interaction, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and breaking this cycle may require a conscious effort to change one's approach 1h23m0s.
• To break this cycle and build a more positive connection with someone, it can be helpful to ask questions that promote deeper understanding and commonality, rather than sticking to superficial small talk 1h23m29s.
• Research suggests that finding commonalities with someone can increase compassion, understanding, and liking for that person, and asking the right questions can help to level up a relationship and build a stronger connection 1h23m41s.
• A set of questions, categorized into levels, can be used to facilitate deeper connections with others, including questions such as "Are you working on anything exciting recently?" which can help to move beyond superficial conversations and build a more meaningful relationship 1h24m21s.
• Asking someone "what do you do" can be perceived as rude, as it implies that a person's worth is defined by their job, and it's recommended to avoid this question for 30 days and replace it with more meaningful conversations 1h24m44s.
• A better approach is to ask "working on anything exciting these days" or "working on anything exciting right now," which gives the other person permission to share something they're passionate about and provides a good conversation starter for future interactions 1h25m49s.
• Asking someone about their biggest goal can elicit one of two responses: either they'll shut down the conversation or they'll open up and share their goals, which can be a great way to build a connection and follow up on their progress in the future 1h26m18s.
• Asking about someone's goals can also be a useful interview question, as it can help identify people who are goal-oriented and motivated 1h26m59s.
• Using "allergy questions" like "what's your biggest goal right now" can help quickly identify whether someone is a good fit for a particular group or community, and can create a sense of connection with like-minded individuals 1h27m17s.
• Self-narrative questions can help take conversations to a deeper level, but they may be more challenging to ask and answer 1h27m33s.
• Asking someone which book, movie, or TV character is most like them and why can provide insight into their values and personality, and how they see themselves, which can be incredibly important and sometimes shocking 1h27m52s.
• People's answers to this question can reveal how they feel about their daily life, such as feeling scared, lonely, and fighting for survival, which can be different from how others perceive them 1h28m48s.
• The answer to this question can change relationships with people based on how they see themselves, not how others see them, and can lead to a deeper understanding and connection 1h29m21s.
• When considering TV characters, people may initially think of someone they resemble physically, but upon further reflection, they may identify with a character who has overcome challenges and achieved success, reflecting their own personality type and journey 1h29m59s.
• Identifying with a character who has overcome obstacles can indicate a sense of being the hero of one's own journey, having overcome challenges and achieved happiness, but this can also raise questions about whether one has truly "made it" or if there is still more to achieve 1h30m12s.
• The idea of being at the "end of the movie" can be complex, as it may imply a sense of completion or finality, which can be difficult to reconcile with the desire to continue growing and achieving in the future 1h30m41s.
• The concept of feeling like one has "made it" in life is discussed, with the idea that even when one feels successful, there is always something more to pursue or strive for 1h31m0s.
• The speaker reflects on their own life, feeling fortunate and privileged to have transitioned from working in call centers to having conversations with people and sharing their thoughts with a wider audience 1h31m20s.
• The speaker notes that they never imagined their life would be like this, with people knowing who they are, and that this feeling is both interesting and suspicious 1h32m18s.
• The idea of chasing something is discussed, with the speaker wondering what they are chasing and what others are chasing, and noting that this pursuit is a natural part of human nature 1h32m45s.
• The speaker believes that by authentically searching for their own answers, they can also help others who may be struggling with the same questions and searching for the same answers 1h33m1s.
• The idea of constantly searching and pursuing is discussed, with the speaker wondering if there is a point in life where one can stop the grind and simply share wisdom and knowledge 1h33m27s.
• The speaker hopes that there is a stage in life where they can transition from pursuing goals and numbers to simply sharing wisdom and giving out public education 1h34m1s.
• The topic of discussion is about body language mistakes that make people dislike others, specifically focusing on the fifth point, which is "Lean", and was previously mentioned as the fourth point 1h34m11s.
• The fifth point, "Lean", is further emphasized and explored in more detail 1h34m14s.
• A book is referenced as the source of information about the topic of "Lean" in body language 1h34m19s.
• The discussion is paused to ask a question about the information read in the book regarding "Lean" 1h34m18s.

Leaning Too Much Towards Someone… 1h34m20s

• Peacocking is a concept where leaning in too much on a date or when showing interest in someone can signal low value and over-interest, making the other person feel uneasy and view the person as submissive rather than an equal 1h34m21s.
• Leaning in too much can be seen as a bow or submissive behavior, which can make the other person feel uncomfortable and not want to be in an unequal relationship 1h35m24s.
• It's essential to balance leaning in, as doing it the entire time can make a person look like a hunchback and distract from the conversation 1h35m57s.
• Leaning in should be used as a highlight or emphasis, like a bold or italic font, to add power to a conversation, but not overused 1h36m5s.
• Non-verbal bridges, such as leaning in, reaching out, hand gestures, nods, and foot movement, can help bridge the distance between people and create a more engaging conversation 1h37m10s.
• In a speed networking experiment, it was found that people who used non-verbal bridges, such as leaning in and reaching out, had more successful conversations and were more likely to connect with others 1h36m40s.
• Certain questions and conversation starters worked better than others in creating a positive and engaging conversation, and using non-verbal bridges was a key factor in these successful conversations 1h36m52s.
• People in good relationships often use non-verbal bridges, such as light touches on the arms or shoulders, to show affection and closeness, especially on dates or in social settings 1h37m29s.
• These subtle touches can be a way of saying "I'm going to reach into your intimate zone, but I'm not going to invade it," and are often used by people in warm and comfortable relationships 1h37m56s.
• Non-verbal bridges can also be achieved without physical touch, such as by leaning in close to someone or making eye contact, and can be used to create a sense of closeness and intimacy 1h38m14s.
• One way to create a non-verbal bridge without physical touch is to position one's arm or body close to someone else's, creating a sense of proximity and closeness without actually touching 1h38m23s.
• Serving or giving people things, such as food or drinks, can also be a way of creating a non-verbal bridge and breaking social scripts, as it shows a desire to care for and serve the other person 1h38m46s.
• The act of giving or serving can be a way of looking for reasons to connect with someone and create a sense of closeness and intimacy 1h38m58s.

How to Greet Someone 1h39m3s

• Awkward hugging can be a problem, and people often don't know how to react in such situations, leading to discomfort for both parties involved 1h39m17s.
• To avoid awkward greetings, it's essential to signal what kind of greeting you want from the moment someone first sees you, using simple non-verbal cues 1h39m29s.
• If you want a handshake, signal it from 10 feet away by saying "so good to see you" and angling your body forward with one hand out, a technique called "blading" 1h39m38s.
• If you want a hug, signal it by saying "it's so good to see you" with arms out, which will also prevent awkward side hugs 1h40m2s.
• Avoid using one arm up, as it can confuse the other person and make them unsure of how to react 1h40m11s.
• If you want a fist bump, signal it by coming in with a fist bump from a distance 1h40m20s.
• Being overly warm and eager to hug someone, especially when first meeting, can be off-putting and may not be well-received 1h41m6s.
• Signaling too much warmth can make you appear as a people pleaser, overeager, and lonely, which may not be the impression you want to give 1h41m32s.
• However, if you have built a connection with someone, such as through sharing personal stories, they may feel more comfortable hugging you 1h42m1s.
• A good hug should be approached equally, with no asymmetry, and the taller person should try to angle down to meet the other person at torso level, with the lower person angling up, and the hug should last around 2 seconds 1h42m57s.
• When hugging, avoid tapping on the back as it can be seen as a submissive cue, and instead, aim for a gentle and equal hug 1h42m40s.
• When shaking hands, a good handshake should last between 1 and 3 seconds, with 1 second for people you already know and 3 seconds for new people, and avoid shaking hands for too long as it can be seen as awkward or even offensive 1h43m28s.
• When offering a handshake, make sure to offer your thumb up, as this is a sign of confidence and equality, and avoid offering your hand in a way that makes you appear submissive 1h44m12s.
• Some people, like Donald Trump, use manipulative handshake techniques, such as flipping the other person's hand and pulling them off balance, which can be seen as a sign of weakness rather than strength 1h44m23s.
• When interacting with others, aim for equal and respectful body language, avoiding manipulative or submissive cues, and instead, focus on building equal and respectful relationships 1h45m2s.
• Cupping hands together is a warm gesture, releasing double the oxytocin and warmth, often referred to as the politician's handshake; it should only be used when genuinely trying to show warmth, as it can come across as forced if not 1h45m15s.
• Men often use different types of nods when greeting familiar or unfamiliar people; a nod upwards is typically used for people they know, while a nod downwards is used for strangers, as it is a way of acknowledging someone while keeping the chin down for protection 1h45m52s.
• Women do not typically use this type of nod, instead using a downwards nod to acknowledge strangers 1h46m52s.
• Purposeful movement is essential for public speakers and leaders on stage, as it helps to convey confidence and avoid appearing stiff or disorganized 1h47m21s.
• A suggested approach for public speakers is to block their speeches by moving subtly around the stage, starting in the middle and moving to specific points to deliver different types of content 1h47m38s.
• Advanced speakers can use stage movement to help their audience organize and categorize the content, such as moving to the left side of the stage for scientific or factual information and the right side for personal stories or anecdotes 1h48m16s.
• When training people, it's noticed that highly warm individuals and highly competent individuals react differently to certain cues, and recognizing these cues can help them know when to pay the most attention 1h48m38s.
• For talks, considering the audience's perspective and using the stage space effectively can be beneficial, such as using the left side of the stage for the beginning of a story and moving to the right side as the story progresses 1h48m50s.
• In Western cultures, people read from left to right, so starting on the left-hand side of the stage or the audience's left can be effective for telling a chronological story 1h49m14s.
• When telling a story, it can be helpful to start on the left side of the stage, share the beginning of the story, and then move to the middle and finally to the right side as the story progresses, using visual aids such as slides to support the narrative 1h49m21s.
• The way a speaker uses the stage space can apply not just to being on stage, but also to the content of what they are saying, and can be used to convey their message more effectively 1h49m39s.

How to Master Messaging 1h49m42s

• Effective communication, whether in-person or online, involves considering the emotions one wants to evoke in their audience, and labeling oneself with the desired emotion to convey, such as confidence and presence, to help the audience feel heard, seen, and understood 1h50m2s.
• To achieve this, one must identify the pain points they want their audience to resonate with and provide a solution or mechanism to address those pain points, such as blueprints, formulas, and hard skills 1h50m56s.
• Imperfection can be an asset in communication, as people are more likely to relate to and trust individuals who are authentic and vulnerable, rather than trying to be perfect 1h51m9s.
• Research by Dr. Richard Wiseman found that imperfection can actually increase sales and improve perceptions, as seen in an experiment where a model selling a blender in a mall sold more blenders when she spilled a smoothie during the pitch 1h51m45s.
• This phenomenon is known as the "other shoe effect," where people are more likely to trust and relate to individuals who are imperfect, as it makes them more human and authentic 1h52m50s.
• The other shoe effect also suggests that people are more likely to forgive and overlook imperfections, such as spilling coffee during a job interview, and may even view the individual more positively as a result 1h52m30s.
• Embracing imperfection and authenticity can be a powerful tool in communication, as it allows individuals to build trust and rapport with their audience, and can ultimately lead to more effective and engaging communication 1h52m21s.
• Sharing vulnerabilities or imperfections early on in interactions, such as interviews or dates, can help others get to know you better and alleviate their concerns about not seeing your true self 1h53m26s.
• When writing the introduction to her book "Captivate", Vanessa initially tried to sound like an academic researcher, but her editor, Nikki, suggested she start with her true self, leading to the opening line "Hi, I'm Vanessa, I'm a recovering awkward person" 1h53m59s.
• This approach of being vulnerable and authentic helped the book become a bestseller, as it allowed readers to connect with Vanessa on a more personal level 1h54m6s.
• Despite teaching charisma and body language, Vanessa still experiences awkwardness and nervousness in social situations, but has learned to deal with it and make conversations 1h54m20s.
• It's essential to plan to share imperfections and not try to hide them, as this can make interactions easier and more authentic 1h54m34s.

Personal Branding 1h54m40s

• Personal branding has become increasingly important due to social media, LinkedIn, and the opportunities that come with it, such as job offers, speaking appointments, and book deals 1h54m41s.
• There's a spectrum of personal branding, ranging from "ideas promotion" (showcasing one's intelligence and ideas) to "deficiency promotion" (building a brand around one's imperfections and traumas) 1h55m12s.
• It's essential to be intentional about how one shows up on this spectrum, as it can become self-reinforcing and attract followers who expect a certain image 1h55m37s.
• Building a brand around imperfections can be inspiring if it shows a journey of overcoming challenges, but spending too long in this space can become monotonous and unappealing 1h56m10s.
• Social media has shifted from showcasing perfection to embracing imperfections, with people sharing their authentic selves and gaining popularity 1h56m57s.
• Personal branding involves visual cues, such as colors, backgrounds, and props, which trigger neural networks and can attract or repel people 1h57m20s.
• It's crucial to consider what neural networks are being triggered by one's personal brand, as it can create strong associations and attract like-minded individuals 1h57m50s.
• Profile pictures, for example, should trigger neural networks that align with one's interests and values, making it easier to attract compatible people 1h58m1s.
• The goal is to create a personal brand that activates similar neural networks in like-minded individuals, making it easier to connect and build relationships 1h58m40s.

Improve Your Dating Life With These Tips 1h59m1s

• A friend, approaching their 40s, is looking for a partner and seeking advice on their Instagram profile, which currently features 80% of pictures with them holding a cocktail or drink, giving the impression of a "party girl" rather than someone looking to settle down and have a family 1h59m1s.
• This type of profile is likely to attract the wrong type of men and create the wrong impression, so it's recommended to change the pictures to showcase the type of partner and life they want, such as pictures of them working hard, hiking, or biking 1h59m41s.
• The goal is to create "allergies" for the wrong type of men and attract someone who is a hard worker, loves the outdoors, and can help with bills 1h59m50s.
• The friend's body language is also an issue, as they tend to take up less space and have a contracted posture, which can give the impression of being anxious or nervous 2h0m32s.
• To improve this, it's recommended to work on creating distance between the arm and torso, using hand gestures, and varying vocal tone to appear more confident and open 2h1m20s.
• To attract the right partner, the friend's main profile pictures should showcase warm and competent body language, such as an authentic smile, head tilt, and hand gesture, with a lot of space between the arm and torso 2h1m54s.
• A symmetrical smile is important in a profile picture, as it can help avoid giving the impression of contempt or fear, and it is considered the most important aspect of a profile picture 2h2m7s.
• Interpersonal body language can be challenging to correct in someone, especially as a friend 2h2m29s.
• Vocal fry, a speaking pattern characterized by a low, creaky voice, can be a sign of contracted body language and a lack of vocal power, and it often occurs when someone is not using their full voice 2h2m36s.
• Vocal fry can be eliminated by speaking louder, as it is often caused by a lack of breath, which causes the vocal cords to rattle 2h3m8s.
• To help someone overcome vocal fry, it can be suggested that they speak up a little bit, as this can help increase their breath and confidence 2h3m33s.
• Activity dates, such as going on hikes or playing sports, can be helpful in encouraging someone to adopt more open and confident body language, as physical activities can make it easier to break out of old patterns 2h3m45s.
• Simply telling someone to stand more broadly may not be effective, as old patterns can be triggered in familiar contexts, but being in a new context can help make it easier to adopt more open body language 2h4m18s.

Body Language and Brain Connection 2h4m27s

• A study used MRI machines to examine how men and women process body language differently, finding that women activated 14 to 16 areas of their brain while men activated about half that number when trying to read body language from pictures alone 2h4m41s.
• Women made broader connections when reading body language, thinking about personality, emotions, clothes, and facial structure, whereas men focused on more specific cues such as broad shoulders, feet apart, and hands visible 2h5m2s.
• Neither men's nor women's approaches to reading body language are inherently right or wrong, but rather they represent different ways of processing information 2h5m15s.
• Men can sometimes be easier to teach about body language because they can focus on specific cues and understand them quickly, whereas women tend to create a narrative around the cues they observe 2h5m22s.
• Women's tendency to create a narrative around body language cues can be both an advantage and a disadvantage, as it can lead to more nuanced understanding but also to making assumptions or jumping to conclusions 2h5m59s.
• Women may "globalize" a cue, interpreting it as a sign of a person's overall character, whereas men may be more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt and consider alternative explanations 2h6m12s.
• It's essential to be aware of one's own biases and "lenses" when interpreting body language to avoid making incorrect assumptions or misjudging others 2h6m29s.

Are You Awkward? Watch This 2h6m33s

• There may be something deeper within individuals that affects their ability to connect with others, beyond just learning tips and tactics, as some people naturally possess charisma and social skills, such as Dan Capon, who was good with the opposite sex in school 2h7m15s.
• Anyone can learn and improve their social skills, regardless of their initial awkwardness or discomfort, and it's possible for people to transform and become more confident and charismatic over time 2h7m53s.
• Simple tactics like avoiding boring questions, making eye contact, and asking better questions can help people build friendships and potentially find a romantic partner or get a job 2h8m24s.
• There is a relationship between learning tactics and tips and building confidence, as using these tools can give people the confidence to try new things and break out of their patterns 2h9m0s.
• Building confidence is a self-reinforcing process, where using certain tools and tactics can give people the confidence to take action and try new things, leading to further growth and improvement 2h9m3s.
• Using different body language cues and asking different kinds of questions can help people break out of their patterns and try new things, leading to positive changes in their lives 2h9m48s.
• Body language cues and social skills are important for both genders, and research has not found any significant differences in their importance for men and women 2h10m2s.

How to Get Someone to Approach You 2h10m14s

• Research by Monica Moore found that people who signaled availability were more likely to be approached in social settings, regardless of their physical attractiveness, as those with closed body language were less likely to receive attention or dates 2h10m23s.
• Signaling availability can be achieved through open body language, such as not blocking the torso with objects like arms, cups, or electronic devices 2h11m2s.
• Keeping the torso open and angled towards the room, along with "croissant feet" (feet angled towards the biggest part of the room), can signal openness to approaching others 2h11m17s.
• Making small, darting glances around the room, specifically towards people of interest, can also signal availability, with research suggesting it may take around eight glances to prompt someone to approach 2h11m49s.
• Quick, short glances, often accompanied by a smile or a subtle gesture like flipping hair, can be effective in signaling interest 2h12m12s.
• Gesturing in the direction of someone of interest, while maintaining open body language, can be a subtle yet effective way to invite them to approach 2h12m25s.
• If someone is attracted to the person signaling availability, they are likely to approach, and if not, it may be best to try signaling to someone else 2h13m11s.
• In a crowded environment, it is culturally less accepted for women to approach men, making it harder for men to initiate interactions, but using quick glances, open gestures, and angling feet towards the woman can help warm her up before approaching 2h13m18s.
• These non-verbal cues can test the waters and gauge the woman's receptiveness to an approach, as her responses to the gestures and glances can indicate her interest or lack thereof 2h13m46s.
• In today's society, it can be challenging to know if someone is open to being approached due to the prevalence of people appearing "too cool for school" and the culture of inappropriate advances 2h14m1s.
• Despite these challenges, people are often lonely and eager to meet others, making it a gift to approach someone in person and express genuine interest 2h14m23s.
• Many individuals, especially in the current world, desire to form connections and make friends, and taking the initiative to approach others can be a valuable step in building relationships 2h14m47s.
• A personal anecdote about a young man who stood up at a talk in Canary Wharf, London, and expressed his desire for friendship, highlights the importance of taking the initiative to connect with others and the potential for meaningful relationships that can arise from it 2h15m1s.

How to Make Friends as an Adult 2h15m8s

• Making friends as an adult can be challenging, but it's essential for one's health, happiness, and success, and it's acceptable to approach friendship like dating, where meeting two or three amazing people is crucial 2h15m44s.
• To make friends, one should change their mindset and look for a "friend soulmate" with similar values, someone who activates the same neural networks, and enjoys the same activities 2h16m25s.
• Approaching friends like potential partners involves testing them out, just like on a date, and not getting too close too fast, which is why going on "friendship dates" is highly recommended 2h16m51s.
• Friendship dates should be different every time, taking the person to places you love, and trying to make them a little bit uncomfortable to see how they react 2h16m54s.
• An example of a unique friendship date is taking someone to a place like Casa Delo in Austin, a vegan hippie spot where you can't customize your meal, to see how they handle the situation 2h17m4s.
• The goal is to find people who are cool with trying new things and going with the flow, which can be a great way to see into their personality 2h17m46s.
• If you don't have friends, think about activities or places where you can test out values or things you appreciate in friends, and consider joining groups or clubs that align with your interests 2h18m1s.
• For men, who often struggle with making friends, it can be helpful to have a partner or friend set up "friend dates" and to focus on shared activities or hobbies 2h18m18s.
• Finding activities you love, such as axe throwing, soccer games, or hiking, and slowly meeting new people through those activities can be a great way to make friends 2h18m37s.
• Asking questions like "What's your big goal for 2025?" or "What's exciting you these days?" can help build connections and friendships 2h18m45s.
• By living in an activity or community for long enough, you'll likely find your people and make meaningful connections 2h18m54s.

AirPods Are Killing Friendships 2h18m57s

• Over the past 18 years, there have been significant shifts in interpersonal relationships and friendships, with the rise of AirPods being a contributing factor to this change 2h18m58s.
• In the past, people were more likely to engage in micro-moments of connection, such as saying hello to someone on the subway or in a hallway, which helped build relationships and friendships 2h19m31s.
• A study by Van Sloan found that the most likable kids had the longest list of people they liked, and they were often observed engaging in small conversations and interactions with others 2h19m49s.
• AirPods have made it more difficult for people to engage in these micro-moments of connection, as they often have their ears closed off to the world around them 2h20m15s.
• This is particularly true for younger people, who often wear AirPods while commuting, walking, jogging, or working out, making it harder for them to interact with others 2h20m18s.
• The gym used to be a place where people would often strike up conversations with others, but now it's common to see people working out with AirPods, making it intimidating for others to approach them 2h20m46s.
• Weak ties, or casual connections with people, are important for our happiness and can lead to bigger friendships, finding a soulmate, and making good business contacts 2h21m7s.
• However, the rise of AirPods and hybrid work has led to fewer opportunities for these micro-moments of connection, making it harder for people to build relationships and friendships 2h21m36s.
• The lack of these micro-moments can also affect career success, as small talk and interactions with colleagues and bosses are important for building relationships and advancing in one's career 2h21m45s.

Ads 2h22m16s

• A company called Flight Group is constantly looking for ways to build deeper connections with its audiences, whether through a new show, product, or project, which is why the conversation cards were launched 2h22m16s.
• Shopify is a sponsor of the podcast and has been used before due to its ease in setting up an online store that can reach a global audience, making it suitable for businesses of all sizes 2h22m27s.
• Shopify offers a trial for $1 a month, and listeners can sign up by going to shopify.com/Bartlet or finding the link in the description below 2h22m53s.
• LinkedIn is another sponsor of the podcast, and as an entrepreneur, it's essential to focus on hiring the right people, with the definition of a company being a group of people 2h23m10s.
• About 80% of the team has been hired from LinkedIn, which offers a diverse range of candidates with detailed information and data on their profiles 2h23m41s.
• Entrepreneurs can post a free job ad on LinkedIn by going to linkedin.com/doac, with terms and conditions applying 2h23m54s.

How to Spot a Liar 2h24m8s

• Most people are interested in learning how to spot a liar, but research shows that the average person can only spot a lie with 54% accuracy, making it better to give someone the benefit of the doubt rather than overestimating one's ability to spot lies 2h24m11s.
• There are certain statistical cues to deceit that liars typically exhibit, but not always, such as question inflection, where someone asks a question that is not actually a question, often indicating a need to double-click and dig deeper 2h25m15s.
• A volume drop is another vocal cue of deception, where someone loses volume and breath when anxious or nervous, often heard in situations like sales calls 2h25m56s.
• Non-verbal cues, such as incongruences between verbal and body language, can also indicate deception, with the most obvious example being when someone says yes but shakes their head no, or says no but shakes their head yes 2h27m6s.
• Cultural exceptions to non-verbal cues exist, such as in India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, where the usual rules may not apply 2h27m31s.
• In countries outside of India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, people typically nod their heads when agreeing with someone or telling the truth, and shake their heads when disagreeing or disliking something, which can also be a sign of disbelief 2h27m36s.
• When people are asked if they like someone or something, they may verbally agree but subconsciously shake their head in disagreement, indicating their true feelings 2h27m56s.
• Mismatched facial expressions, particularly disgust, can be a sign of dishonesty, as people may unknowingly display this emotion when lying or disliking something 2h28m17s.
• Disgust is a universal expression across cultures, characterized by crinkling one's nose, flashing the upper whites of their teeth, and making a particular sound 2h28m21s.
• Liars may exhibit disgust towards themselves for lying, which can manifest in subtle facial expressions or actions, such as sniffing or showing a slight nasal dilation 2h28m36s.
• Sniffing can be a sign of disgust, as it is a natural response to close one's nasal cavities when encountering something unpleasant, and liars may display this behavior when lying 2h28m55s.
• Nasal dilation, or the dilation of the nasal wings, can also be a sign of disgust, as people tend to scrunch up their noses when they dislike something 2h29m21s.
• Observing these subtle signs of disgust can help identify when someone is not being truthful or is disliking something, and can be used to double-check their opinions or feelings 2h29m33s.

Toxic Relationships 2h30m5s

• Ambivalent relationships are considered the most toxic and damaging relationships in one's life, characterized by uncertainty and mixed feelings towards the other person, leaving one wondering if they like or dislike them, or if the other person likes or dislikes them in return 2h30m5s.
• Ambivalent relationships are energetically draining because they create uncertainty and make a person question their feelings and actions towards the other person, unlike toxic relationships where the toxicity is clear and boundaries can be set 2h30m44s.
• In ambivalent relationships, a person may feel obligated to check in with the other person, attend social events, or maintain a connection out of uncertainty or a sense of duty, rather than genuine interest or affection 2h30m57s.
• Research has shown that people with ambivalent relationships in their workplace are more unhappy, have less work-life balance, and experience more workplace stress than those with toxic relationships 2h31m34s.
• Police officers with ambivalent ties in their precinct reported being more unhappy and having less work-life balance than those who had toxic relationships, highlighting the negative impact of ambivalent relationships 2h31m40s.
• To address ambivalent relationships, it is essential to ask questions and seek clarity about the other person's feelings and intentions, and to either move them up or out of one's life to avoid the mental drain of uncertainty 2h32m6s.
• Asking questions like "What's your biggest goal right now?" or "What are you working on that's exciting?" can help determine if a person is a good fit for one's life and if the relationship is worth maintaining 2h32m20s.
• It is crucial to prioritize one's emotional well-being by either nurturing or ending ambivalent relationships, rather than letting them continue to cause uncertainty and mental drain 2h32m31s.

How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger 2h32m34s

• Starting a conversation can be as simple as saying "hello" or introducing oneself, as it allows the other person's brain to process the interaction and feel safe, and overthinking the opener can be counterproductive 2h32m52s.
• A person's body language, brain, and voice tone convey a lot of information, and a basic opener gives the other person a chance to respond and build a connection 2h33m12s.
• When meeting someone new, it's better to ask open-ended questions that spark interesting conversations, such as "Do you have any exciting plans coming up this weekend?" or "Did you do anything fun this past weekend?" instead of asking autopilot questions like "What do you do?" 2h33m57s.
• Harry S. Truman, a former US president, was severely introverted and used one-on-one conversations to win people over with his arguments, which ultimately helped him gain votes and win the Democratic National Convention in 1944 2h34m27s.
• Truman's strategy was to focus on his strengths in one-on-one conversations, rather than trying to compete with more charismatic public speakers, and he was able to win over people by telling them his story and points in a personal setting 2h35m12s.
• Truman's team would invite people to meet with him in an air-conditioned room, where he would have one-on-one conversations and build connections with them, which ultimately helped him gain votes and win the convention 2h35m27s.
• A politician won a National Convention without having to speak on stage by creating a space where people could discuss their concerns and he could explain why they should vote for him, ultimately winning vote by vote 2h35m43s.
• This approach is suggested as a way to stop competing in situations where one cannot be their best and instead create spaces where they can utilize their social strengths 2h35m59s.
• Identifying one's social strengths is crucial, whether it be storytelling, being funny, listening, being empathetic, being a decoder, or being persuasive, and creating spaces to exercise those strengths 2h36m7s.
• It is better to focus on what one is actually good at and attract the right people, rather than pretending to be something they are not 2h36m29s.
• Social strengths may not be limited to in-person interactions, as some people excel at texting, sending voice notes, or broadcasting and then connecting with like-minded individuals 2h36m36s.
• Thinking outside the box and considering various ways to utilize social strengths, such as broadcasting, can be an effective way to connect with others and build relationships 2h36m53s.

How to Get Started With All This Knowledge 2h37m0s

• To start becoming more charismatic, step one is to break autopilot in conversations by making a commitment for 30 days to not trigger autopilot and instead ask better questions, such as "What's your biggest goal?" or "What's something exciting?" 2h37m15s
• Challenge number two is to find out where you fall in the warmth and competence scale by taking a quiz, doing an email audit, and possibly sending the Charisma quiz to someone who knows you well to get their perspective on your warmth and competence 2h37m39s
• The warmth and competence scale is important because being highly warm but lacking competence can make you seem less serious, while being highly confident but lacking warmth can make you seem less friendly and trustworthy 2h37m41s
• The Charisma quiz can provide critical feedback on how others perceive your warmth and competence, which may differ from your own perception 2h38m2s
• The guest was asked a question about when they tried to outrun their pain and what the consequence was, and when they turned and faced their pain and what the consequence was 2h38m26s
• The guest shared a personal experience of trying to outrun their pain after their traditionally published book failed in 2011, but eventually turned and faced their pain by continuing to write and starting the website Science of People 2h38m47s
• The guest was encouraged by their husband to keep writing and eventually started creating content that went viral, but still struggled with the idea of writing another book due to the painful memory of their previous failure 2h39m18s
• The guest was approached to write the book "Captivate" but initially refused due to fear of failure, but eventually agreed after being convinced that it would be a different kind of book that allowed them to express themselves authentically 2h39m41s
• The guest credited Nikki with convincing them to write "Captivate" and helping them to face their pain and create something successful 2h40m8s
• The current societal climate is characterized by increased loneliness and struggles with connection, making it more important than ever to educate people on building relationships and communication skills 2h40m54s.
• Many people are seeking advice on how to make friends, show up in social situations, and build connections, highlighting the importance of this subject matter 2h41m18s.
• The work being done in this area is crucial, with a significant impact on the 400,000 people who have been taught and the millions who have consumed related books, videos, and content 2h41m33s.
• It's essential to be authentic and true to oneself when applying skills and knowledge related to building relationships and communication, rather than building a facade 2h41m57s.
• Self-reflection is necessary to determine who one wants to be and how they want to show up in conversations, relationships, and as a friend or partner 2h42m1s.
• When it comes to food and nutrition, it's essential to trust reliable sources, such as Zoe, which provides scientifically-backed information and personalized nutrition programs to support gut health 2h42m22s.
• Many nutritionists agree that information on food packaging can be misleading, and it's crucial to be aware of this when making food choices 2h42m28s.
• Zoe offers a scientifically-advanced gut health test and personalized nutrition program to help individuals make informed food choices 2h42m54s.